A Ladybug Launch

Legend has it that ladybugs are lucky. Their appearance can mean good harvests, good weather, or promising romantic prospects depending on which country you're in. I'm especially fond of that last one :)

Hey, silly me, I just thought they were cute little things.

But, over the last 2 or 3 weeks, I've noticed a strange and, if legend is true, propitious phenomenon in the house, aka my 'office'. As I've sat upstairs busily pounding away on my laptop putting the final touches on the website so we can launch next month, I noticed a little ladybug. She just kept hangin' around. I just thought, 'cute' and told Cooper, my dog, to quit trying to eat her as she strolled all over the glass door. Then, she seemed to invite her friends.

Until, before I knew it, there are a number of these little gals (is there such a thing as a guybug??) hanging around the door and windows. They've been here for a few weeks now and seem in no hurry to go anywhere.

I am taking it as a sign of goodwill and promising prospects for my website. A kind of ladybug launch, if you will. I feel a little like this brave lady getting ready, after these past months of giving so much energy and thought to this thing, to take a leap of faith out into the big deep blue! Notice you can't see how far down it is to the hard solid ground below.....just as well perhaps!

I don't know if they're really lucky or not, but they make me feel happy and upbeat. And, I figure it's a lot better than a room full of black cats. No offense to cats, I have one, but you know the legends about those!

3 Lessons from my momentous year.....

Well, the march of time successfully escorted me into my 6th decade. I find I am the same person I was the day before my birthday just with a slightly different age label. Not that bad really. I know, big surprise, right?? :)

It's been a big year both chronologically speaking and, I'm happy to report, in a personal growth way as well. The take aways for me are:

Holding onto old stuff can suck the life out of you. As I have mentioned in earlier posts, as part of making this a momentous year, I got serious about wanting to get rid of accumulated 'stuff' that was beginning to feel smothering. 'Stuff' as in a house I'd been in for 10 years which was full of furniture, knick knacks, books, old computer and stereo equipment that had a place once upon a time but had long since become big energy sucks. I felt bound down.

So I rented the house out, got rid of a lot of stuff and took a minimal amount with me as I began sharing a house with a woman who has now become a dear friend. And, I wanted to undertake a creative process that would test my ability to stick with something I didn't exactly know how to do. Check out my hair stylist's wisdom on this subject.... Very pleased with how this experiment has shaped up.

Stretching myself into unfamiliar territory is renewing. Once moved, I set out to figure out how to build a website and social network for women in mid-life. That has been my focus these past months. It was the creative project I chose to engage in....it is a topic of great interest to me.....and right after my birthday I stopped to acknowledge the fact that the site is finally a hair's breadth from going live. That in itself is an accomplishment.

That's where the personal growth comes in, I find that having stuck with this and just 'done the freakin' work' I have much more confidence in my ability to do just about anything. I feel green and supple. The challenge of making all these big external changes in my life, helpful as they are in breaking up old patterns, was that making true change requires the heavy lifting of shifting internal beliefs about how I think of myself and my abilities.

It isn't about not being afraid, it's about being afraid and doing it anyway. It's about acknowledging the old voices in one's head that are saying the task is too hard, or why do you think you can do that, or life would just be easier if you stayed in the comfort zone....acknowledging these and then going right on.

The payoff is really BIG. And, the changes don't have to be as radical as mine have been. Anything that pushes you into territory that scares you a bit will do. Once you experience getting through it, it makes you that less worried about doing it again.

Age isn't chronological is it? That's the big realization, DUH!! It's about where you are willing to put yourself. If you put your self in a box, that's where you'll stay. But you can leave the box anytime you're ready.

And, hey, the water's fine out here ! Really!

Wrinkles and Ram

I was reading a Ram Dass article yesterday called Aging Body, Ageless Soul. The whole thing had some great insights about the changes in our bodies and our lives, and how to think about them positively. I'll be the FIRST in line to say I do not like the changes taking place on my face and elsewhere (need I elaborate, we all know here what I'm talkin' about) without my permission. It's hard to get my head around actually, these changes creeping up on me.

My grandmother at 87 used to occasionally say, "I don't understand. I still feel about 30 inside" when she could no longer do this or that. We all--smug young things we were, how embarrassing to think about now--indulgently patted her arm, kind of rolled our eyes in complicity with each other as if to say, "can you believe it, how could she possible feel that?".

I'm here to tell you Grandmother, I so get what you were trying to say! Accept my deepest apologies for the arrogance of youth.

Anyway, I digress from my original point....

I awoke this morning to my east-facing window to a glorious sunrise in the colors only late fall and cool temperatures seem to create: greeny-turquoise, intense orange-red, and light so intense it doesn't seem to have a color, just golden white brightness. Then as those faded a bit, a kind of smoky heliotrope, soft apricot and soothing sky blue. Same for sunsets, just brilliant, almost-too-bright-to-be-real colors. I LOVE this time of year. Waking to this these mornings makes me feel so grateful to be where I am at this point in time.

Back to the point....one of Ram Dass' points was that taking a regular break from the busy-ness of our lives to appreciate timeless things like sunsets, the beauty of a flower, a piece of art, the tenderness evoked by the sight of a young child's wonder is what puts us in touch with the eternal core of ourselves. The part that has been and always will be the same.

I know that is so true. Several years ago, during an especially stressful time of my life, I found I could always comfort myself with the idea that Mozart would still be sublime, the sunset still as glorious, the stars as mysterious, the moon as luminous no matter what happened to me. External circumstances can change for good or for bad, but some things are eternal. It really is so true.

I shall endeavor to cultivate this approach to my visible signs of aging. Would somebody please remind me of this next time I get exasperated at that elusive chin whisker I can't seem to SEE to remove?? Thank you.

Creating the space

The countdown is on. 5 days left of being able to say I'm a 40-something (and that is reeeallly streeettttching). Then I turn the corner. I'm not feeling so bad about it really. I'm very happy with the past year. As I hoped, focusing on making it a year that counts feels very satisfying. It occurred to me the other day that I needed to think about the upcoming year in the same way....it feels so much better than drifting year to year which I'm sorry to say has often been my modus operandi in years past.

As I mentioned, in Utah, I began pondering what would make it a momentous year. It actually took quite a bit of sitting with the feeling of being 'lost' to get in touch with what I wanted. Lots of journaling. But, the first thing out of the gate of 2007 was a that a friend and I bought a place out in Marfa.

To check out interesting happenings in Marfa, click the logo for Marfa..org. It will put you in touch will all things Marfa.

Granted, that was a pretty crazy thing, but it is such a funky little place, such a weird combination of sophistication, kitsch, traditional hispanic culture, and Austinesque weirdness that I fell in love.

I'd been out there a number of times and its charm plus the vast beauty of West Texas convinced me it was the thing to do. Although it's a long-term rental at the moment, our plan is to eventually restore a couple of the old outbuildings into casitas and rent them, along with the house.

March or April is when I began seriously considering renting out my house here in Austin, putting as much stuff in storage as possible, and leaving my little neighborhood. My life felt flat, routine and uninteresting. I wanted to open my horizons. But you have to let go of something to make room for the new.

So, I let go.

The universe cooperated in way that was almost scary. I am spending a year in another part of town, in a lovely home I'm sharing with the charming owner (a friend of my sister's) who has become a fast friend. The house, is open, expansive, minimally cluttered and the view out the back shouts 'possibility!'. The views are so big that I feel open to anything! ExACTly what I needed!

I have met fascinating new people, reconnected with many friends, and I'm engaged in an absorbing professional endeavor (more on that later). And, although I miss my little neighborhood in some ways, it s amazingly freeing to be without most of my belongings.

That's the learning, letting go opens up possibilities. Scary, yes. But, I 've learned alot in this little experiment about how we can create something different for ourselves. It's a wrench breaking loose initially, but the universe does move to fill in the space we leave by doing it.

The conclusion to come......

Not a very chirpy post

I went to the funeral for a dear friend's mother yesterday. It's the third funeral for a friend's Mom I've been to this year. Another friend recently sent me a lovely essay by Suzanne LaFetra whose subject was on the surface about Dia de los Muertos but really was about how life is a continual letting go. Of relationships, jobs, loved ones, kids, our own selves as we change and grow.

Somehow though, the meaning of letting go deepens when you're this age. I haven't been to a single funeral I don't believe of a friend's parent before. Now, 3 in 10 months. It represents a new level of letting go. We begin losing parents which, although we dread it, we do expect. Once parents get into their 70s and begin slowing down, a tiny, growing heaviness slowly begins settling on your heart as you watch them, talk to them, spend time with them. Mortality, for them and for us, moves an inch closer.

Although I haven't yet been to a funeral for a friend, I'm beginning to see the inevitability of it appearing on the horizon. Ugh, letting go. I wonder if it gets easier to accept as it happens more often? Probably not although perhaps it gets easier to accept your own mortality. As you lose people precious to you, at some point, you must just begin dreading being without so many people who used to be close to you. Maybe you become resigned, even ready, to follow.

Not a very chirpy post today. But, life is very definitely NOT always chirpy. Without the poignancy of loss, would we feel the sharp joy of love? A moving quote I came across says, "Grief is the price we pay for love." I think the two must go hand in hand. It's not possible to have the one without the other.

Here we are, back at letting go.

A year of living momentously Part II

Sooo...I had thought a few times this past year, that a fitting end to my 50th year would be to play bass in a band. Except the thought scared me to death and I couldn't see how it could happen anyway so it was easy to forget about.

But, at my last lesson, my teacher mentioned the student recital they were having the day after my 50th birthday. Well, CLEARLY the universe was telling me I had to do it. I hate it when it does that :) So I will be playing Queen's Crazy Little Thing about 3 weeks from now with a bunch of 13 year old boys no doubt. Waaaugh!

I got to go see some amazing blues musicians the other night, our local Ruthie Foster and Taj Mahal, who from my standpoint is a towering Blues musician. What would it be like to have played music so long that it's just in your DNA, it just flows out of you like the rest of us breathe? Ruthie had a cousin, Tonya Richards, playing bass for her, what a musical family. And Taj's bass player was amazing. Some good inspiration to go home and practice :)

OK, a student recital isn't a real band. But, it is a taste of making music with other people which I've always thought must be fun fun fun. And, it IS standing up in front of a bunch of people playing a somewhat prominent part on an instrument that is still a bit of a mystery to me. Memories of those piano recitals, yikes! And then there is the fact that we only get to rehearse once or twice beforehand. No worries, right? Yeah, right!

WAIWFA? That's my new mantra. It stands for What Am I Waiting For Anyway? Referring to the fact time isn't infinite, life isn't a dress rehearsal, life is too short. Now, really I have no aspirations be a rock star (good thing hunh?) or do more than have fun with it. But, I don't want to be stuck in old beliefs about what a 50 year old woman should and should not be doing.

When I started my lessons, I was so impressed that at one of my lessons a 72 year old woman was sitting in the lobby waiting for her guitar lesson. She had just started too. Now, THAT is impressive, I love that!

I just feel fortunate and so grateful that I have these choices.

I guess I should start giving some thought to my debut outfit. Hmmm, spiky hair? Leather wristband like Bass Girl in the pic? Animal print? :)

A year of living momentously Part I

Well, after much hand wringing, inner angst, outward bellyaching (I am soooo grateful for my friends who patiently listened and supported), and big changes, the Day approacheth! Last year, about now, I realized that not only was my 50th birthday coming toward me at what felt like the speed of light, but that when my 49th birthday arrived in a few weeks, it would be the beginning of my 50th year.

Holy Pazzoli! (not sure who or what that is, sounds like either some kind of Italian dessert or a Cardinal of the Catholic Church, anyway...), I thought, wha' happened??! The realization startled me, to say the least.

As I pondered it, the idea of my 50th year seemed much more significant to me than the actual 50th birthday. I still have plenty of years left to accomplish some meaningful things, but I suddenly realized the years are not infinite. No more just 'passing time'.....go for the gusto.....carpe diem....what am I waitin' for any freakin' way??

I suddenly, passionately, wanted my 50th year to be memorable. The life unusual, fearless, momentous, focus....just a few ideas that popped into my mind. I wanted my life to be full of interesting people, I wanted to look back on the things I attempted and did in the knowledge I fully stretched myself, that I didn't let others' or my own outgrown ideas of what I 'should' be doing at this age keep me from doing anything. I wanted to be adventurous, bold, and create something satisfying and fulfilling for myself.

My year of living momentously kind of kicked off with the Big Adventure to Utah in a way. Gave me time to be thinking all this through. But shortly thereafter, I took my first step.....


I had been thinking about taking bass guitar for a while. Why? Don't know except it sounded fun and I always catch myself listening to bass lines in music. What am I waitin' for?? So, next time I took my clothes to the dry cleaner, I stopped in at Austin Guitar School next door and scheduled a bass lesson. No doubt the 13 year old boys in the lobby thought they were hallucinating but I had a blast with it. So, a year later.....weeeellllll, I think I'll save that for Part II along with my other momentous happenings..... :)

This time last year

I was out at Pedernales Falls State Park this afternoon. Hadn't been there in over a year due to a profound disgust/fear/freak out concerning snakes. My last trip involved 5 different snakes one of which was a rattlesnake and, I'm sorry, but I don't do snakes. Especially out of fear for my dear dear doggie, Cooper....but we braved it today and didn't see a single reptile (oh thank you thank you thank you).


Anyway, it is so lovely out there, beautiful green blue water, in pools, rivulets, cascading over long stretches of limestone (geologists, don't bust me here, if I'm wrong just chalk it up to taking poetic license), buzzards gliding and wheeling overhead, deep blue sky and wispy clouds that I call mare's tails. It's just nature at its best.

It got me thinking that this time last year I had a Big Adventure. For me anyway. I will get any amount of sweaty, dirty, and smelly during the day. BUT, I really really like to clean up at the end, or preferably before the end :), of one of those days. The camping thing I've done but only overnight with a car, plenty of vittles, and some access to water. In other words, I'm a bit of a girl when it comes to spending nights in the great outdoors.

Last year though, I resolved to do something that scared me a little. So, I took a 5 day back
packing trip to Canyonlands/Escalante Utah. It was with an outfitter but I went by myself which was fine as their were several singles in the group. I discovered a girl can do without hair product or even a shampoo, wear dirty clothes more than once, gain weight despite carrying a 20 lb pack for 10 miles over hill and dale (cooking was EXcellent!) 5 days straight , and climb up the slick, almost vertical sides of small mountains. (However, note to self and any other interested party, baby wipes, bring baby wipes).



Talk about glorious nature...the forms and shapes
are simply amazing. And, it emphasizes just what a speck in the universe we are. How long do you think these rocks have been there? We aren't even here for the blink of an eye, are we? That's a good thing to remember.







Here is what greeted my eyes every morning from inside my tent. I didn't even have to move, it was just there. It's hard to get up on the wrong side of bed when you start your day with a sight like that. That brilliant red only sticks around for a minute or two at most. It only appears as the sun just rises over the horizon. As quickly as it appears, it fades into a more sedate beige-y pink-y.


It's nice to relive it, it really was a great experience and it kicked off my year of living momentously. FYI, that's what I've mentally been calling my 50th year. As you read my posts, you know it's been quite a year, but this was a fitting beginning!

Nature is such a rejuvenator, it really helps put things in perspective. Every time I'm in the great outdoors I feel renewed!

New tricks, old dogs Part II

Recently, I've had some talks with friends about how we (as in we mid-lifers--geez I wish I could think of something to call us that wasn't that or, far worse, Boomers, yuk!) see romantic relationships. Something has been niggling me lately that makes me think I have some outgrown views on that. Just like learning to think of myself differently, I feel like I need to revise my views of what that person should be and the role they play for me..

The thing is, I don't know what to revise TO. I just know I came across something the other day that was so beautifully said in relation to how we think of our futures. She said we need to create a future for the person we are becoming, not the person we've been. That resonates big time for me.

The writer said that we form this view of the future for ourselves when we're in our 20s or 30s. When we hit mid-life, we begin to see the ways we have missed the mark in making that future a reality. But, we tend to cling to that outgrown future since it's familiar.

My friend, Pamela, said she heard the other day some dating coach on the radio who was discussing all the ways we bump potential love interests off our list. Well, they have to love animals just as much as I do. Or, they have to love hiking as much as I do.

Not to say those things aren't important, but the question the coach was posing was, just what do we have to have from a partner? What are really the core needs that person has to fill vs. needs we can fill from other sources? Hmmm....

Back to the future, I think that's what my vague unsettledness about the whole relationship question is. I feel I'm still operating thinking of a partner who is a fit for the person I was, not the person I'm becoming. If you asked me to paint a picture of what that looks like, I couldn't. But I do know I am taking a big growth spurt of becoming :) And so, like most other things in my life at the moment, I'm not entirely sure what fits going forward.

But as in many if not most things, it probably involves more internal change (that would be me) than external. Like, how I'm being in the relationship. Once you establish your patterns of communication/conflict resolution etc, it's hard--although not impossible--to change. I guess that's why they are called PATTERNS!! :)

Anyway, I'm running out of thoughts about this. But I suspect I'll continue to noodle on it, it feels very important. And, when something niggles me like this is, I pay attention.

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks....can't you??

I have recently come to notice that it is weird--when you've made some big changes or are doing something completely different than you've done before--to think of yourself differently. And hard to take it in and internalize it.

For example, I do not think of myself as someone who easily figures things out.....how to change a bicycle tire, or assemble a new composter, or how to do freakin' mail merge (am I the only one who finds this ridiculously complicated each and EVERY time I have to do it??), design an organizational or team intervention (my background), placate a bizarre computer gremlin...whatever. I believe in my bones I am not a good 'figurer outer' of things.

Then, the other day, I was driving down the freeway trying to think which bank I should open an account at for my business. I considered using someone from my Rotary club but they seem to all be male (not that being male is a bad thing :). So I thought of a woman I know from a community group I was active in. I thought, "Oh yes, Anna works with women entrepreneurs, she would be a good choice." With that, my eyes opened wide and my mouth made an 'O' and I almost ran off the freeway. Holy Cow! The realization hit me, I'M a woman entrepreneur! Geez!

THAT'S what I'm talkin' about. To think of myself as a good figurer outer or a woman entrepreneur goes so against the grain of my self identity as I have known it for decades now, that I find myself still struggling with it even though the evidence clearly indicates that I AM both of those things. Weird, very weird.

In my last job, I was the person people turned to when they had weird computer stuff going on. Or, had to do STINKIN' mail merge...can you tell mail merge gets under my skin?? Then, I have figured out a LOT of things around this business. Certainly not without a few missteps, but I'm doing it. Hmmmm, that would seem to contradict my deep beliefs that I can't figure out squat.

So, I think in the case of Figuring Out Stuff, the issue is that I assume someone who is good at it that does it effortlessly, that somehow they just know how to do it. Also, that they love doing it. I think that may be incorrect :) I'm coming to think it just means they will slow down, give it their attention, maybe make a few booboo's, but ultimately stick with it 'til it works. They may very well NOT like it! That's basically what I've been doing....that's what I did with my new digital recorder last night, aggravating as it was.

Then, I mean, I've invested some of my money and a lot of my time with this website. I've got other people doing certain parts of it, it's looking very good so far. I've learned a few lessons, thankfully not expensive ones....yet :) I've registered with the county and state as a business, I've opened a checking account. I"ve got a number of people running around doing different parts of it. I'm getting content together. I have business cards for heavens' sake! If that's not being an entrepreneur, I don't know what is.

Yet, I can tell that my bones don't believe it yet. I think they are more convinced I'm a decent Figurer Outer just because the evidence is pretty overwhelming at this point. The entrepreneur part is still a little sticky since there is the teensy matter of actually making money. Hasn't happened yet. But, the old bones are at least considering that I MIGHT be an entrepreneur. One step at a time.

I wonder how many of us women let these kinds of assumptions about ourselves get in our way of doing something we want to do? We believe something is true about ourself and we just accept it without question.

Hmmm, what evidence are you ignoring that contradicts what you believe about yourself?

Taos Travels

I just love Taos, it calls to me! I went by myself this time and thoroughly enjoyed poking around the galleries, museums, back streets, and surrounding areas. What is it about walled yards that is so appealing....and such a great backdrop for the flowers that never look like this in Texas! And literally, the mountains are visible from right in town, heavenly!






Went to the Harwood Museum there, great old building full of a variety of art some early modernist, some from the first art colony of Taos in the late 1800s. For some reason this portait made me sit down and study it. I could somehow see the real person even though it was a somewhat stylized image, something about her eyes.



This photo just speaks to the colors there I love, the shadows, the adobe, and the flowers! Something about adobe is so human and warm....and it makes colors pop.



As I've gotten older, I find myself much more intrigued by modern art and sculpture. I don't know why that is, maybe the fact you have to study it and it's open to interpretation. Life becomes less black and white, more gray, and perhaps it's that same principle at work for me re: art.

Taos has more than its fair share of sculpture gardens.....



One in particular is Lumina Gallery. Besides this incredible sculpture garden,





Felicia Ferguson has a beautiful house/gallery full of high quality contemporary art. Every window in the gallery frames an amazing view of the mountains and surrounding countryside (hers is sans highway:). Like this one.....



I begged her to hire me and let me live in the broom closet :)

She has just remodeled a couple of casitas on the property which is a few miles outside of town. They are beautifully decorated and reasonably priced. And just imagine walking out into the sculpture garden with your morning cup of coffee!

I wanted more time, but maybe it's best to leave a place when you still want more. That way you have the pleasurable anticipation of the next visit and it remains fresh and vivid in your mind and heart.

Allison fashion tips (please see disclaimer in small print at bottom of this posting)

I have the good fortune to be sitting in Taos, NM at this moment working on this blog post. I love it here so much, lots of natural beauty, good art, quaint buildings and unusual stuff to buy if you're in the mood. I am preoccupied with that at the moment actually.....

The last two trips I have taken I find myself absolutely stumped when it comes to packing. I simply have no idea what to pack. My wardrobe is so....so...incoherent right now, it does not hang together. I'm not sure which came first, the fragmented wardrobe or me forgetting how to pack but I'm pretty sure the two are closely related.

If a woman wants to look chic and 'together', yet easygoing, what does she pack for a long weekend in a semi-hip yet laid back place? A place where she may be doing a little hiking but at the least walking around a lot?? What does she wear on the plane that's comfortable and casual yet conveys she cares a little bit about her appearance? And, hiking boots.....clunky and space guzzling, ya hate to wear 'em on the plane but it's the sensible thing to do. Ugh, my head hurts.

I'm sure I don't know the answer exactly but a few thoughts occurred to me. I decided I needed a plane uniform. Of course, once I thought of that, I thought, "I need a long weekend in a semi-hip yet laid back place" uniform. The question is, what is this uniform to be? What is my 'look' and how do I reduce it to a uniform?

I'm thinking jeans with simple white long-sleeved shirt for the plane (it is so dang cold on those things). A very nice belt and some unusual but comfortable low heel shoes. A friend who is into fashion recently told me you go mostly cheap on the clothes but expensive on the accessories. That could be shoes, purse, jewelry, jacket, things like that. That makes sense to me.

That means I only need to buy.....shoes, purse, jewelry, and a jacket. Oh, GREAT!!!

Well, after poking around in Taos' boutiques and little shops, I decided to add my own little addendum to Debbie's good advice. Shop boutiques. I think you can make a lot of impression with one or two little pieces from a boutique that sells unusual stuff. And the ones here abound in hip little variations on a T-shirt of all descriptions. Lots have unique detailing. And not that expensive either.

Since I don't want to spend much on clothes but I do want to look 'together', I think I have to go with uniforms that consist of jeans, cotton shirts, etc. But, I am going to be looking for those few accessories that make the difference. Found the perfect shoes in a little shoe place here, only $208. Maybe to the Sex and the City gals that would be a bargain, but to this DSW shoe gal, that's hard to swallow. But they would look very cool and I do tend to wear stuff I like until it literally wears out.

Hmmm, well, I think the theory is sound even I'm having a hard time putting it into practice.....I'll work on it....

(Editor's disclaimer: Allison's fashion tips are in no way to be construed as authoritative, relevant, or even fashionable. Her views are hers alone, please check with your personal shopper before attempting to implement any of her ideas.)

Taking it personally

I was attacked this morning at 4:30 am by severe doubts about my ability to create this scene called an online community. Yesterday I was struggling a bit figuring out how to get content for a couple of my interest categories. And, I'm still thinking about the email I sent out to the ladies I've been talking to and held focus groups with.....I got some responses but not as many as I hoped and I asked people to let me know about women who like to write and inspirational stories I could use etc. Not what I expected. It all added up to give me a sleepless hour.

I took it, of COURSE, as any sane woman would, personally. Not as in offended or hurt, but as a reflection on my self-worth. Why do I think I can do this? Why do I think people would be interested in what I'm doing or what I have to say? I could go on but that pretty much captures it. And, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only woman who has that particular bug-a-bear to deal with.

It's like, when you throw a party--and don't deny it, I know all of you have thought this :)--and you're afraid no one will come. Or, you're pretty sure people will come but that isn't good enough. You want LOTS of people to come because then people will know you're a cool person whom others want to be around. And, I don't even need to point out what it says about you if people don't come in droves......

It struck me this morning in the light of day when it's easier to have a sense of perspective, that this is a basic difference between men and women.

See, it would probably never occur to a guy to think a light turnout to his party had ANYthing to do with the size of his manhood. If he thought about it all and was trying to throw more parties, he would merely consider it a problem to be solved. Hmm, well, let's see, I bet they didn't come because the basketball semi-finals were on. Hmmm, more queso and fewer sausage balls. Or, gee, I think it's time to change the oil in this thing....

That would pretty much be the extent of it.

A woman of course would spend hours stewing over what she could have said or done to make people not want to come. Did she not have the right clothes? Did she fail to consider who had just broken up with whom, so neither came? At previous parties, was her food unappetizing, was the conversation BORING??? Was she not measuring up to parties OTHERS WERE THROWING? WHHAAATTTT?????

OK, I feel better now that I can laugh at myself. I'm laughing because this is so extremely TRUE! Oh my gosh! I think I"ve just stumbled on the reason men are still in charge of the world generally speaking. (I think that's a woman thing too, to draw sweeping, generalized conclusions from a single datapoint--men would you agree with me here?)

So, I just need to be a guy about this thing. It's a problem to be solved, a puzzle to piece together, not a reflection on my worth as a person.

So, it might be that people are just busy and would give me some of the information I wanted if I approached them personally (ha, there is that personal thing again). Or, ping them as a group again because we all know people are very busy these days and sometimes you have to ask a couple of times....or understand that people don't know what the site is yet and just need to time to trust it and me.

It's a problem I can solve, not a personal reflection....OK Allison, write that on the board 200 times....

On second thought, maybe just a sticky on the bathroom mirror will work :)

Life Floats.....

A friend of mine was telling me the story of a friend of hers who has begun having some serious hormonal issues associated with menopause. That combined with some realizations that 50 is fast approaching and certain things in her life are not what she expected them to be have really got her down.

This isn't an uncommon occurrence based on what I've heard in my many conversations with women at this time of their life. Nor with me.

As I was listening to Pamela, I was musing on how you go through life, making choices and decisions....just living your life. You make some good decisions and some not so good ones. For many of them, you can see the immediate consequences of course. They work out or they don't.

You have kids or you don't. You get married or you don't. If you're single, you decide to stay in this or that relationship, or to leave it. You probably face that one more than once. Professionally, you accept additional responsibility or a proffered new position, or you don't. At the time, these decisions make sense. But it occurred to me that it's the larger implications of them that remain hidden to us.

Until mid-life that is.

I think mid life becomes such a big deal because we finally have enough 'data' to see the patterns formed by the accumulation of all those seemingly sensible choices. Unfortunately, the pattern of seemingly sensible decisions has landed us somewhere we did not expect to be. WAIT A MINUTE! HOW DID I GET HEEERREE??

From the vantage point of your late 40s, the past isn't exactly what you wanted, and the future doesn't stretch nearly as far as it used to.

Suddenly, you're 49 and unmarried. How did THAT happen?? Or, you're not at all in the professional space you wanted to be. The last kid is off to college, and you look at your husband of 23 years and realize you don't know each other. 'Yikes, wha' happened?', you ask yourself.

Voila! Mid-life crisis. Life sneaks up on you, it floats by before you realize how much scenery has slipped out of sight.

Mid-life is the time it seems to me, when we have to learn to let go. Letting go of kids, relationships through death, divorce or simply outgrowing, physical looks, dreams. Not that we don't have to let go all through life, but I think mid-life letting go, in general, goes much deeper, to things we hold deep in our hearts.

Letting go involves a grieving process. That's to be expected and it's healthy to accept and honor those feelings. And yet, mid-life doesn't represent the end of the line by any stretch.....

Being the eternal optimist, I've found that letting go of something means you've freed up space for something else. I prefer to think of a mid-life crisis as a mid-life recalibration. There is still plenty of time to dream new dreams. To reacquaint yourself with hubbie, to make new friends, do new things.....deciding what to do with that new space can be exhilarating. And scary. And overwhelming.

But before we get to that point, like Pamela's friend, we grieve.......

Women in Art Video

This is a lovely video that must have taken untold hours to do.....

The Wise One on my shoulder.....

It struck me yesterday, as I was having one of those rare mornings when the answer to a frustrating set of silly and unrelated incidents just seemed to be having a good cry (which I did....ah! that's so much better....), that even in the midst of my frustration and tears a part of me knew that this would go away and fade into the mists of time.

The sky would be its same lovely blue, again. The small, sublime beauties of life would still sneak up on me when I least expected it and leave me stunned with surpise and delight. The 10 year old girl in me would still take an unreasoning pleasure in using various colored and glittery-inked pens for writing everything from checks to journal entries.

It is definitely one of the perks of hitting one's 40s.

I noticed this beginning to happen several years ago. That even when I was in the depths of sadness , or presented with an upsetting situation or bad stretch of life happenings, there was a 'wise' part of me sitting on my shoulder, nodding knowingly and telling me that this would pass. "This kind of thing has happened before", my Wise One tells me. "Here you still are", she says, "having your share of happy times." "Remember how this works?" Oh yeah....I do remember, I think to myself.

It doesn't mean I don't have the occasional urge to just cry over the whole thing. Or life doesn't present more than its fair share of difficult times. But, I guess it's having lived through enough that you begin to see the patterns in things. So you see the ebb and flow of life more clearly. And you know that the pendulum always, eventually, swings back.

THANK GOODNESS!!

I think this awareness is what keeps the occasional 'yuck' time from spiralling into a much worse time. It keeps me more open to the possibilities embedded in those situations.

Even when I'm crying, I know that somewhere over the rainbow......

Trusting the process

I tend to be an action oriented kind of person. It seems to me that I figure out things by taking action. And, or maybe consequently, I try to 'make' things happen. The underlying assumption that if I just work as hard as I can at it I can make it happen seems to be a fundamental basis of my being. It shows up physically in that I overcharge my body when in physical activities, much more tension and tone going on than is necessary for the task. I seem to assume that everything require 120% effort.

The irony is that approach just doesn't always work in one's favor. I've found there is some (so fine as to be almost invisible) line between unflagging persistence and hard work, and trusting the incubation process. Trusting that the way forward will become clear in time without forcing.

My back improvement is due to pilates and what it has taught me about strength combined with relaxation. You put out the effort necessary for the task and no more. WHAT A CONCEPT!! Maybe that's a message for all of us overachieving, perfectionist ladies :) If mastered, it keeps you from making tension and stress such a constant that you forget what it's like to relax into the energy.

This is an awfully zen concept. And, very hard for me to do but I'm slowly seeing how it works if I just let it. The zen part is that you can't just not focus on it, it requires active....something....maybe attention. But not overthinking it either. Again, the Almost Invisible Line.... Obviously, I haven't figured it out or perhaps I could articulate it better.

But I know I'm onto something......

How old is too old?

We all probably can remember grandmothers, aunts and friends of the family who in their, ahem, senior years would appear in what like inappropriate make-up, hair or clothing. Where are the 'rules' for 'appropriate' written anyway, yes I know. But, come on, we all know what I mean. Long hair on an older woman is frowned upon in some circles. Tight clothing or plunging necklines, whatever.....behind their backs we roll our eyes and and exchange raised eyebrow glances.

Lately I have wondered if the apparent obliviousness of the objects of those glances tends to begin setting in in mid-life. I have had the urge recently (and followed through!) to paint my toe-nails unorthodox colors...iridescent blue-green! FUN! I'm getting lots of attention with it (uh oh, is that what my subconscious is craving??).

Then, since I am now a laptopper, I needed a laptop bag. A friend happened to show me her new bag that was very fashion forward and I decided I needed something more FUN than just a black bag or even a sleek, classic red leather tote for it.

So I got one that is part black hide (with hair on, naturellement!) and black fabric with red roses on it. It's vaguely oriental looking and it has red cord handles. Here's the best part.....the inside is...Chinese red silky fabric! How fun is that?!? (www.jtotebags.com).

To me it's all good fun. I remember a poem by Jenny Joseph:

When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple
with a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
and satin candles, and say we've no money for butter.

There is more, but you get the drift. It just seems to me that life is too short and uncertain not to do little things that add a little fun and giggliness to one's days. Fun hasn't always come naturally to me so maybe I'm making up for some lost time. Makin' up for lost time with iridescent toe-nails and a glam laptop bag!

A success to celebrate

I have loved northern New Mexico for several years now. It became my fantasy to buy a place in Taos and live there. It's a blend of funky and upscale. It has this Whole Foods in miniature called Cid's. In the aisles you see people who look like they are camping out in the wilderness mingled with art connoisseurs.

You know, I could run a bed and breakfast there, I thought. I've gone there at least once a year now for 5 years. Last year I made my annual sabbatical there and we met this fascinating couple who were real estate developers of the green sort. He was 20 years older than she and they were very intelligent and successful.

After visiting with them, it suddenly came to me that a b and b would bore me to tears within a few months. And, just hanging out in a place like that with nothing purposeful to do would make me a restless maniac.

I began to understand that what I wanted was a way to spend time there but have something to do while I was there of a business nature. You know, I could work a half day or something and then go hiking or just sit and soak in the amazing New Mexico light and color. Voila, the idea to have a business where I could base in my beloved Austin but spend chunks of time elsewhere was the ticket. YES! Eureka, that's it!

Of course at the time I had no idea what that could be although I've always experienced strong entrepreneurial urges. I gave myself a 5 year window to be sitting in Taos conducting business.

WELL, this morning it occurred to me that I could, this September, actually go there and work on my business! I am starting this website for women 45+ and I have more to do to get the business up and going than I can shake a stick at. It's not to the point obviously where my company would pay for it, rats!, and I couldn't spend 2 weeks there, but I could literally go for a few days and get some of my work done.

I so often don't stop to celebrate my successes (consequently I often am much harder on myself than is healthy because I only notice the things I"m not as successful at as I would wish) and have resolved to be better at it.

So, I am giving myself a big pat on the back today for having shaved 4 years off my timeline!

The underneath of it all

I'm here to talk about something I rarely hear anything about. I had no idea other women thought about it. I don't dwell on it, but it does pop into my mind occasionally. I puzzle on it, scratch my head a couple of times and usually go about my business without an answer.

It's the question of.......UNDERGARMENTS! Undergarments specifically for those of us who are, well, on the mature side of life. Yuk, ooky word, 'mature'. In fact, all the words describing those of us on the north side of 40 are kinda ooky. Mid-life, another ooky word, blech. Sounds so boring.

Anyway, I've been talking to a lot of women lately in this group. who are ANYTHING but boring. That's another topic altogether.....back to underwear.

So, I'm talking to a friend who recently hit the 50 mark. She had a black tie function to go to recently and some of the dresses she was considering wearing brought up this question of foundations.

She and I both are used to being pretty fit and being able to wear clothes that highlighted that. But, the old body isn't quite what it was. Some sagging going on upstairs, hiperoonies not quite so sleek as they once were. PHOOEY! But a phooey fact I'm afraid.

She was sharing all she had discovered about T-shirt bras and something called Spanx. I did not realize that t-shirt bras were like heavy duty molded cups. I just thought they were just smooth so they would look good under t-shirts, duh!

Well, they are as a good as a boob lift according to my friend. I was telling her I saw this 2o something hostess at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants lately. I could barely take my eyes off of her boobs. The reason was she had on this strapless, stretchy top. She was quite 'busty' and the strapless bra she had on was like armor. I mean, she was dished up, her chest had so much lift and projection, it was kinda startling. But, what really had my attention was that clearly her boobs were not going ANYwhere! They were locked in, they looked so seCURE despite the fact they were in a strapless bra.

I was filled with admiration! Having been busty all my life, and now being somewhat saggy, I was mesmerized by something that promised to hold me up there given that so many tops nowadays require something beyond the basic bra.

Of course, that led to a discussion with my friend about how bewildering it could be to know what we should be wearing. Should we even be thinking about wearing something that required that level of support? We want to look fashionable and I think we both look younger than we are. But, we don't want to look like the 2o something hostess. And, who says we should concern ourselves with what we 'should' be wearing anyway?

But what is fashion at a 'hip' but elegant 50? I don't have an answer for that. More on it later, and the spanx thing is a whole other discussion. ....

Cold anger

I was in Portland OR for a week visiting with a friend from here who was spending several weeks up there, and a friend who lives there and who I knew from my previous life. I liked Portland, it has a lot of urban character. Lots of neighborhoods with their own distinctive personality, lots of little coffee shops and local businesses. Fun!

My friend teaches computer science at the university here and he's quite the philosopher and thinker. He's had a lot of experience trying to get girls more interested in studying technology in connection with the school, and he's spent a lot of time in Fortune 500 technology companies so he's known women in that context.

We drank a lot of wine, ate a lot of olives and cheese and talked lots about women since I'm working on this business idea aimed at them. I mentioned that I've noticed so many of us seem to lack confidence in our ability to figure stuff out. Or at least, put our ideas into action. I can't quite put my fingers on it but it seems we either fear failure to the point we don't even try, or we worry it won't be 'perfect' and so we don't try.

Of course, I can say this because those are comPLETELY the things that so get in my way from doing all I know I'm capable of. Takes one to know one. And, I'm making a generalization obviously. There are women to whom this does not apply.....although even some of the most successful women I know seem to have a lot of insecurity about their abilities even in the face of their undeniable success. I can't say the same about men, in general :)

Thomas said he had had situations where guys in his classes would raise their hands and give the wrong answers to questions several times in a row. Obviously, THEY were not suffering from fear of being wrong or fear of failure, or if they did, they didn't let it stop them. And, he'd have girls in that class who would come up afterwards and say they knew the answer. When he would ask why they didn't pipe up, they would say they didn't want to embarrass anyone.

So, I'm reading Wicked which is the story of the Wicked Witch of the West as told from her perspective. (I will tie this in, I promise, really!) Great premise in the book, not so well executed in my opinion but there is a part in there where WW of W's old nanny talks about girls needing to develop cold anger.

Cold anger is the slow burn, smoldering anger that keeps her implacable and relentless in pursuit of something. No forgiving or forgetting or turning aside. The wisdom of applying this to your anger is a little debatable of course, but it struck me that in some ways that is what Thomas and I were discussing.

Guys have egos that are not easily quenched....as most women can attest to :) Women are more sensitive about looking bad or stupid. We're taught to be perfect little ladies. We are supposed to be nice and make sure everyone is feeling OK about themselves, don't want to make anyone look bad!

I hope that my generation of women is kinda the tail end of that kind of thing. I think girls nowadays have much more opportunity to overcome that and build confidence in their ability to carry through their ideas. People are much more aware of the issue.

In the meantime, I feel I'm playing catch up. I'm coming up on the 50 mark and everything I'm doing right now is an effort to get past the craziness of not trying because I'm afraid it might not be perfect, or because I don't want to look like I don't know what I'm doing, or because I'm afraid it might fail.

I want to DO something. I want to be confident I can figure stuff out (ignoring the fear is how this will happen). I do not want to get to the end of my life and look back to see myself too fearful to have put myself out there and taken a risk. I want to experience what it's like to relentlessly pursue something to its end. I want to know I put myself and my ideas out there.

I want a dose of cold anger. Not in the anger part, life is too short for that, but in the sense of dogged persistence that doesn't allow a failure or two along the road to keep me raising my hand once more to offer an answer.

The Youngsters and my generation

I have to get this off my chest. As I said yesterday, the twenty-somethings can be demoralizing if you think about them too much.

So, there were the twenty-somethings at Flipnotics the other evening. Talking about their investments for heavens' sake! Can they really be so together that they are already planning THAT far ahead? Maybe this is just a repeat of the dot-com phenomenon and the market is on everyone's mind at the moment because it's doing alright. Definitely, THAT is what I am choosing to think. Otherwise, I'm not sure I could take it in :)

Then, there is my friend's son who spent time in the Peace Corps before recently getting into the London School of Economics in an interdisciplinary program to do with law, economics and anthropology. He studied cultural anthropology in undergrad and hopes to combine his understanding of humans and culture to work for the World Bank or the State Department or even some multinational corporation.

I believe the middle-aged/old white men who have been in charge for the last decades are completely ignorant of the degree to which the inside of people's head--their values, attitudes, religious beliefs, etc--impacts the global geo-political landscape. They just think military action is the be-all, end-all fix-it for any global issues. Take a hammer and smash it seems to be the modus operandi most apparent these days.

Clearly we have gone way beyond the boundaries of effectiveness of that particular solution to the world's problems at least as I see it. So, this young man is going into what I believe will be a very timely, relevant field as the aforementioned demographic retire or die off.

Then another friend's daughter just got back from a year in London studying filmmaking. Very prestigious program. Another's daughter and son-in-law spent time in the Peace Corps, came back to Austin where he finished graduate school while she pursued, fairly successfully, her dream of being an actress. Now they are in New York where she continues to pursue the dream, succeeding in fits and starts.

Then the young man who lives in the basement apartment spent a year abroad in school. His Dutch girlfriend is coming to live here next month.

Obviously, they are so much more global citizens than we even thought of being. They are doing SUCH cool things. It seems so different from when I was that age. But, truth to tell, the possibilities are expansive even for us mid-life women. Think about it.....

Maybe it's a little late for me to get into a program at London School of Economics (I would SO have been all over that in my 20s!) but we also have an amazing time in history in front of us. We live longer, are healthier, have more financial resources in general than our parents did. Many of us women have been working most of our adult lives and have a lot of professional expertise and intelligence to put out there. Most women I know seem to experience a surge of renewed energy about mid 40s. The question What's Next comes up a lot!

We are forging new ground in so many ways. What are we going to do with it? We are a huge demographic with so many skills and so much experience. We do have some constraints many of us and yet, we are used to juggling a million things.

Hmmm, maybe I've talked myself out of the demoralizing story.....we aren't 20ish (thank goodness in many ways I say!) but we have our own landscape of possibilities that are pretty exciting!

Whew, I feel better now :)

Getting the hang of the coffee shop thang.....

Yesterday, since my guitar lessons are up close to my old haunts (I NAILED Etta James' At Last in my lesson, just so you know :), I went up early to miss traffic, check out a new Farmer's Market, and, gulp, give the coffee shop thing another go.

I definitely have not completely shed my attachment to the old 'hood, but I built so much of my extracurricular activities around convenience to my neighborhood that I hate to completely let go of that since I'm only out of there for 9 months or a year. Although, who knows in that time, I may be off to Tibet or somewhere :) I anticipate that I will more and more be hanging in the new 'hood as I check it out, need to keep those fresh perspectives coming!

Anyway, there is a great little development a few blocks from my house called the Triangle, one of those new Urban oases with apartments, lofts, shops on the ground floor, greenspace etc. It was full of people yesterday, checking out yummy goat cheeses from some small goat dairy, beautiful vegetables, homemade breads, honey from Round Rock, and all sorts of other items to make a Foodie's heart sing! A band was setting up for later and the little restaurant and coffee shop were both full of folks socializing.

After purchasing some bison jerky (it was a very eclectic mix of products doncha know!), I went into the new Flipnotics up there (great little place if you haven't checked it out) with my book Crossing the Chasm and read for over an hour. A techie friend of mine suggested I read it for reference to this business idea I'm developing.

Well, that is a classic of sorts and so maybe it was just that I felt it was weighty enough not to worry about if I was doing something sufficiently important to merit taking up a seat at the local coffee shop :) I really began to get in the groove.... I began to feel I was one of the crowd! And it was fun to keep one eye on the groups around me.

I mean, twenty-somethings actually weighing the merits of this fund over that fund! I couldn't believe it. I've decided the younger generation is very demoralizing if I think about them too much. That's a topic for another blog entry but, honestly, they know so much more than I even realized there was to know at that age. Shake it off Allison.....ok....

I'm VERY excited because Dell let me know this morning that they have shipped my new laptop. NOW, that is where the rubber will hit the road so to speak! That has the potential to complete my transformation into a full-fledged member of the Coffee Shop Officing Crowd! It will be a completely new experience! I mean, I will be sipping lattes and cleaning out my email with the best of them very soon now.

If I really really want to step out, I will get some headphones so I can tune into my iTunes. I'm scaring myself with the level of coolness I could achieve...:)

Coffee Klatch

I have actually made it more than a week without reading the newspaper more than once. It was a little scary at first but, surprise to me, it hasn't really been that big a deal (question to self: maybe changing most routines isn't that big a deal??) The sky has not fallen, the seas have not parted. And I'm feeling happy to have made the change, for now.

Something else a little different for me.....I went around the corner on Sunday morning to pay my last respects as Lady Bird went to Johnson City for the last time. I was one of thousands lining the streets of downtown Austin to say a last good bye to a neato woman.

That is one thing I love about Austin, people around here care about things and they are active about that caring. Whether it's turning out at City Council meetings in droves to protest something or organizing neighborhood parades or participating fully (how do people have the time? :) in the neighborhood listserv, people act on their convictions. It certainly can be hard to manage from a governing standpoint but it is part of the unique personality that is Austin.

Anyway, I"ve beaten the newspaper routine for the moment. My housemate has had lots of family and friends in the past week....that was after a week of painters. So, it's been a little challenging to focus although I've done pretty well considering.

In response to finding a way to add structure to working, I tried another something new. I went to a coffee shop to do some work on my website idea. Using a coffee shop for a workspace always seems so appealing in theory. People always look so cool there with their laptops sipping a latte. I always believe they are working on profound and important things.

I rarely go though, I think because I'm afraid I won't measure up to the weighty things they are all working on, good grief! Could I possibly reach cool-dom on a level with that? But today I thought, maybe I shouldn't succomb to performance anxiety about going to a danged coffee shop. I told myself, I'M working on profound and important things too!

Besides, if I were to saunter around sneaking peeks at their screens, they're probably cleaning out their email or playing solitaire. Come to think of it they are probably like those folks who wear Blue Tooths (Teeths??) in their ears at all times. I mean REALLY! If one isn't Secret Service one mostly look silly with those things. Who are we kidding? Is a regular Joe Schmoe so important that he or she can't lose a minute connection with the outside world.? Talk about being a slave to something.

Anyway, I did go, I did work, I only felt a twinge of performance anxiety once or twice and it did help me focus. Am I cool or what?

The Secret of 'The Secret'

"Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve." ~~ Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill

There has been so much hype around the Secret. As I mentioned, I do believe in the fundamentals of the law of attraction (which is what the Secret repackages in a slick marketing production).

Brilliant piece of marketing, that 'The Secret'. A new spin on an old idea that has been around for a while and developed by a number of people. But it's so appealing isn't it? Just wish hard enough and someone will walk through your door with a check for a million dollars, or a new sports car, or beautiful new house, whatever blows your skirt up. I'll have 3 million please!

I'm paying attention to how this is working in my life at the moment because, well, who wouldn't want to create a bunch of money in their life just by thinking and wishing hard about it?

I think in practice it's a little more subtle than that.

When I was first conceiving this notion of simplifying life by downsizing possessions and routines and I was in the grip of wanting to make a documentary, I was VERY focused on it. I journalled about it, talked to friends about it, blogged about it....truly it was the number one thing on my mind, I was absorbed.

AND, here's the Secret part, people were showing up right and left to help make it happen. People to rent the house, people who knew documentary makers and were willing to introduce me to them, people willing to let me move in with them. It was a little scary how the solutions to things were showing up in quick succession.

Then, once that was in place and I became focused on moving and all the cleaning and packing that entailed, those solutions and resources were not as present. Although, come to think of it, I think boxes and stuff to clean out and pack was miraculously reproducing.....and it did seem as though the more I focused on it, the more boxes and cleaning out to do there was :) Very funny, Universe, not exACTLY what I had in mind.

Now that phase is complete I am anxious once more to get very focused on my plan to see if that kind of energy begins to gin up once more.

My theory is the Secret is really a rough equivalent to 'focus'. When you are absorbed by an activity or idea, you can't help but manifest more of it. You are throwing lots of energy at it, your energy is not going other places. If we all focused on making a million, and we did the things/made the decisions/gave up other things someone who wanted to make a million would, we might eventually end up with a million.

There is a book called Think and Grow Rich that was published decades ago, sometime close to the Great Depression I believe. Napoleon Hill, the author, believed that constant auto-suggestion (per Wikipedia, which is a marvel, doncha think?) was a critical piece in 'brainwashing' one's self into believing something would manifest. That, combined with persistence and a refusal to be slowed down by obstacles, would make 'It' happen.

Essentially, you acted as though 'It' already were true. I've had this work a few times in my life, the latest with undertaking this life experiment I'm on. I don't think it's all about money either. I think it's about anything you want to manifest in your life.

So, stay tuned for reports from the frontline on this.....

Metaphorically speaking......

I am thinking in metaphors this morning.......

As I mentioned, I'm realizing that paring down all the physical stuff in my life is a process not an event, rats! I also mentioned that changing up one's environment is only the beginning of the heavy lifting of shifting some old patterns and habits, challenging!

So, it would be nice to think that I could, hey presto!, get rid of those old patterns and habits in one fell swoop. Nice to think, but not realistic, major bummer! I'm thinking of my physical stuff as representing all those habits and routines. I've made the initial clean sweep of it but much more remains to be done. It's a perfect metaphor for the changes I'm making.

What brought these thoughts on is I can feel myself trying to incorporate some of my old routines in the new place.

In the words of Amy Winehouse, No, No, No!

This is going to take vigilance on my part. Just the simple morning routine of getting a cup of tea and reading the newspaper is one I've followed for years, taking great pleasure in the slow start. Very few things get in the way of that and this morning, there is no newspaper on the lawn. My grumpy reaction to that made me realize the hold that has on me. I'm going to stop it, gulp, and see what comes of it. Well, maybe all but Sunday morning so I can read the New York Times :)

Seriously, I am going to experiment with getting up, getting my cup of tea and doing my journalling first thing. The value for me of journalling is only now becoming apparent to me and as far as starting the day with the most valuable thing possible....I think that could be it. Check out next blog entry for a little explanation.

Food. That's the other thing. At my old house, I lived a few blocks from a wonderful gourmet market that sold lots of prepared food. So, most nights around 7:30 I would think what I wanted, go there and get it. Not exactly good for my wallet and probably not so good for me, again a habit. I'm a bit of a fish out of water without that here. Nothing quite so close and the Whole Foods closest to me is even more expensive than the CM.

I've been wanting to change some eating habits so I think the time is now to do it. Keep away from turkey sandwiches (my favorite fall back) and develop some new fall backs.

These may seem like small things but now that I am in a new place and I can more clearly see the pattern, I am realizing the incredibly strong hold they have over me. I suspect that as insignificant as they are, if I can't change those, some of the other changes I am making will be difficult to say the least.

I have a theory that creating change in one's self is like working out at the gym. If your muscles are flabby and out of shape, it's going to be danged hard to benchpress 200 lbs. one random day. If you work out regularly (like changing seemingly insignificant routines occasionally), it will be easier when it really counts.

We'll see.....

A process, not an event, DRAT!

I'm in!! Phase I complete! I accomplished the move in fairly organized fashion, no major logistical snafus to contend with.

The house I'm sharing I had not seen until the night before my move. The owner and my new housemate is a friend of my sister's however so I had a good description to go on. When I walked in for the first time, I took a deep breath and felt my spirit relax and my possibilities expand with the tall ceilings, spare clean furnishings, multitude of windows, broad expanse of floor and wonderful outdoor living spaces with big views. The universe seems to have provided exactly what my soul is craving.

There is a fly in the ointment however, a POX on it! I still have more stuff than I had hoped, grrrr, PHHHHFFFT!!! I think I've imported more clutter than I wanted into my new space. Granted, comparatively, it is light years away from where I was, I will acknowledge and pat myself on the back for that. And yet, alas, it's more than I had hoped for.

I had mentioned that I was finding that it's harder to reduce to as few things as I wanted than I anticipated. I threw so much away, made many runs to Half Price Books and various thrift stores, became an expert Craig's list purveyor of my gently used things.....still so much stuff. It is disturbing how many belongings I had, still have. The accumulation of so many years' worth of things, most of which I just had because it was a hassle to rid myself of them.

And, you know, you buy antiques thinking they are worth something, will always be at least worth what you paid. Nothing could be further from the truth. Things go in and out of style I find. My charming country French furniture salon set is 'out' at the moment so I could only get a fraction of what I paid even though it's 125 years old, charming and in great shape.

So, spending the effort and money on those things, looking back, seems wasted in a lot of ways.

The truth is, there are very few of my things that I really love anymore. The antiques.....lovely, but most of them I wouldn't miss, they had become part of the wallpaper. As I feel right now, if I moved back into my house today, I would not take most of my furniture. The biggest reason to keep it is the fact that it is expensive to buy furniture. But, to have an emptier house would not bother me one bit.

So, I'm realizing, this makeover is looking more like a process than an event. I have months before I have to make any other decisions about it but it has been a hugely eye-opening experience so far. What I have learned about myself and my life trappings could fill several chapters of a book.

EXACTLY what I was hoping for though! A change that provoked reflections on what is really important to me. What will be a source of vitality and energy for me going forward and what will suck it dry with little payoff......I'm well on my way to gaining insight about that!

Striped leopards

The old adage, a leopard doesn't change his spots, is, as those things always are, grounded in reality.

A good friend and I had a talk when I conceived my idea of the yearlong walkabout I will be embarking on in a few days. We talked about how hard it is to make real, deep change to one's self. It's easy to shuffle the externals--maybe a leopard can rearrange his spots--but MUCH harder to change those things about us that consistently get in our way of accomplishing the things we say are important to us.

I do believe in the power of changing the externals to make it a little easier to make those other changes. It's hard to stick to a weight loss program with a refrigerator/pantry full of ice cream and cookies and hanging too much with friends who never exercise and have an ongoing love affair with 'ritas and queso. In fact this premise is fundamental to my whole experiment.

I think the environmental changes give you an extra boost to start. Then, no doubt about it, the HEAVY lifting begins.

I'm also a big believer in having people around you to support you in those changes. And, finding people who have made the changes is always inspiring. All of these things are helpful but not sufficient.

There are a lot of resources out there about how to make these kinds of changes. Keeping focus is a big issue for me because there are SO many interesting things and people out there to play with.

For example, I find the discipline of writing in this blog and my journal about my ongoing relationship/reaction with the changes I'm making helps bring me back into focus. Otherwise, the water is flowing very swiftly beneath my bridge :) and I could be swept downstream to new ideas before I realize what has happened.

It will be interesting to see if this leopard can lose at least a few spots and add some tiger stripes over the next year :)

Gum to my shoe

You know how when you step on a piece of gum and no matter how hard you try, you can't quite get it all off? You think it's gone and then it feels sticky. Once again, you work at it, think it's off and there is that annoying slight stickiness. Drat!

My dream of this little life experiment of mine was to take hardly anything with me when I go to my new digs. It was a fantasy of having only my sweet little doggie, my guitar, bed, clothes, computer and a few books....oh yeah my iPod and SoundDeck too...

WELL! First, I have things going in about 4 different places, but as I'm packing, I'm realizing the above is a fantasy. Life is complicated in far more ways than just stuff.

There are things like bills, documents that you need to have on hand (passports anyone?), health insurance info warranty/technical info on digital cameras, computers etc. I do like to cook and have a favorite skillet, do I leave that behind? And what about my Santa mugs and plates that I love pulling out around Christmas? They are the kinds of things that give me a little lift and make me smile when I use them :)) I guess I can do without them for a year....I'll be that much more delighted when next we meet.

Then, there is this buisness idea I will be working on. I have some books and other resources that will be helpful with that. Then there is the paper that may get generated from all that. I'll need my printer. What about volunteer work I do, there is paper and stuff associated with that. Geesh!

So from taking only my bed and a nightstand, I'm thinking I'll take a small table I have to serve as a workspace. And a small armoire will serve as storage. A filing cabinet to keep those documents in. Still not that much but more than I want.

Our lives are just too darned complicated. How does that happen? Even a tiny bit of gum on your shoe is sticky.

Of demi-tasse and Marie Antoinette

If books were indicators of my growth rings, like a tree, my dishes are even more telling of my evolution. The passing seasons....both my life timeline and the seasons in each year.

I admit to having been addicted to collecting dishes at one point in my life. In book terms, it was about the same time period as I was reading about gardening, poring over Southern Living house plans, and buying antiques. All very pleasant activities I must say.

I have English ironstone with octagonal, dark green trimmed plates that I like for spring and summer because of the lovely little purple, yellow and red bouquets around the edges. I have Mason's Pink Vista which I LOVE! Cranberry colored pattern on ivory with ivy and vines entwining around the plate, ruffled edges and in the center, an English Lady and Lord strolling in a lovely park. Beautiful at Christmas.

Then there is the Johnson Brothers Friendly Village in autumn tones, the covered bridges and woodland scenes are fun to use in fall and winter. Not to mention the odd platters and plates that i loved because of their color and/or shape.

As I was packing these things all weekend, I still had strong feelings about them. LOOK at this DARling little soup tureen with the cunning little lid with its cutout for the ladle! How about the dark green edged octagonal vegetable serving dish? And the large footed bowl that is so festive at Christmas with a fruit salad in it!

However, my reaction to my china (yes my name is Jane Doe and I am a dishaholic....) was flat. It is gorgeous.... white with gold trim and very colorful, hand painted flowers all over. It's antique and I have lots of it. Lots of odd and serving pieces which tend to be valued more than basic pieces. I have paper thin tea cups with an MA spelled out with flower garlands inside (stands for Marie Antoinette I was told). I have a tiny demi-tasse set with the accompanying cream and sugar. I have a number of bowls. And reticulated plates meaning the edge has cutouts.

It sets a spectacular table no doubt about it. But somehow I don't think I love it anymore.

It's not a reflection of my taste anymore. It hurts me to say it because I collected it so lovingly. Scoured antique shows for any piece I could find. The thrill of the hunt!

But it's just too much. I'm not into spectacular, it would have looked great in my Southern house full of antiques and flower arrangements. That house never became reality though and it belongs to a different time. We are headed in different directions, my china and I.

What to do? I couldn't quite bring myself to decide to sell it. But I think I will hold it out from the other boxes in case I decide to sell the bits like the demi-tasse and the Marie Antionette cups and saucers. I could do that I suppose and keep the more basic pieces.

Hmmmm....I don't know. I just know I don't want stuff around me just because I have it. I want to love it, to have only things that give me a little thrill when I see them around me.

Not cluttering things that suck my energy by taking up space without giving anything back.

Focus and Just DO THE FREAKIN' WORK!

So, my hair stylist, JM, whom I have mentioned before, famously (to me anyway) said the above to me during a color and cut. It has stuck with me as have many things he has said. I'm always obsessing about something, making it complicated in my usual fashion.

JM listens, then when I have finished, comes out with something profound, yet simple, leaving me momentarily speechless at the beauty of it.

He came out with the above while we were discussing a big mosaic he was creating. At the time, I was pondering the creative process, especially the part where it gets discouraging, or haaardd [whine], or boring, or someone doesn't think it's so great, or I get tired/hungry....any one of a million things that could be used as an excuse to ditch the effort. That's a part of the process I'm quite good at actually :)

I asked him if he didn't ever get discouraged, or bored or...whatever. "Well, duh!" he said, "of course!" Well what do you do about it, I asked. Said he, "I just say to myself, JM do the work, just do the freakin' work! And then I do it!" I laughed and laughed. Brilliant!

Part of what precipitated my little crisis here is that I am very good and LOOOVEE flitting about from idea to idea, activity to activity. I'm a regular little hummingbird buzzing about the garden of life, I am, sampling endless ideas, theories and activities. BUT, I don't really have much to show for my flitting. Not an expert at anything, no beautiful pictures on the wall, no awards for tennis or bowling, nothing. I generally don't stick with something long enough to build that skill. That isn't working for me anymore.

So, I wanted something where I just have to do the freakin' work and keep at it even if it's hard, or I suck at it, or I don't feel like it. One of that something (well, I can't give up EVERYthing) is playing the guitar. I took it up several months ago determined to stick with it and even learn, gulp, music theory. It's a perfectly learnable skill, it's something you can do forever and still be learning, and it's danged FUN!

Well....OK, it's isn't always fun. In fact, in the beginning, it's mostly fumbling fingers, blank looks at Rob, my instructor, avoiding practice more than I would like to admit, etc. But, I'm making it my practice, in the sense of a discipline, to just keep going. And, it is sinking in slowly in bits and pieces.

I actually managed to pick out a Pretenders song and I'm very pleased with myself. Couldn't have done that even a few months ago. Yea me!

I'm searching for the satisfaction of working and cussing and struggling with something to make something exist that didn't before. And paying attention to when I don't feel inspired but do it anyway....sometimes something brilliant happens.

All part of my little change experiment.....