In Jungian psychology, "a woman's....experience of the
masculine principle, influenced by father and culture, but mysteriously unique
to her also. It embodies her sense of grounding, her capacities, her ability to
focus her energies and achieve her desires in the world" (James Hollis, The
Middle Passage).
Boy (tee hee), this has been resonating for me big time. It explains so much of my experience over the last....well....5 years.
At Thanksgiving 2005, I broke up with a man I had been involved with for 3 years. He was a very successful entrepreneur with all the qualities that often go with that: very focused, hugely productive, amazing ability for spotting a money making opportunity and making it happen, very creative thinker....I always had the feeling if we had some major catastrophe in this country, Joe would not only survive but thrive. He was, simultaneously, a blast to spend time with and high maintenance in a number of ways.
He had been adopted. His father unfortunately drank himself to death by the time Joe was 14. Joe decided at some young age, after one too many times of being let down by his Dad, that he was not ever going to be disappointed again with any kind of expectation for that relationship.
From my perspective, he decided never to get so closely attached to anyone again that they could disappoint him or he would be heartbroken to lose them. Where did I read recently, that grief is the price we pay for love. It's a heavy cost to be sure, but the alternative is to not love deeply.
Once I came to see this, I realized that, despite our sympatico, that was not what I wanted. I bring a lot of special things to a relationship and I want to feel prized by the man I'm with. Not in a dysfunctional way, but I want us to mutually feel darned happy that we have each other in our lives. He could not express that, either because he didn't feel it or because he wouldn't let himself.
So, no regrets about my decision although plenty of angst over why he couldn't be different, a fruitless expenditure of energy of course :) At any rate, I have had a difficult time coming to terms with it. I could not understand why moving on has been so tough since I knew he could not give me what I needed. Yet, I still a year and a half later feel a tremendous sadness and sense of being lost without him.
James Hollis in his book, The Middle Passage, has articulated what I've been trying to express not very successfully. It's that animus thing. Joe embodied a number of qualities that are undeveloped in me, but that unconsciously I need. With him in my life, I felt complete. I didn't have to develop those qualities, because he could provide them for me. It's as if Joe was as much a part of my identity as my own self.
NOT A GOOD IDEA! to have to depend on someone else to 'complete' one's self. I'm guessing that a lot of my current anxiety is because I'm coming to grips with the fact I need to develop my own ability to focus, to singlemindedly pursue something I want, to develop my own business acumen and use it, to fully execute an idea, etc. If I don't, I will continue to be in anxiety as my internal self is demanding those things and will not be denied. Not to mention, I may always be looking for a man to provide those things for me.
That certainly ties in with the creativity bit. The notion of focusing on something, figuring out how to execute and following through with it. Bringing something to life.
Hollis says that is the job of our 'second adulthood', to develop the unconscious parts of ourselves we have ignored in our past.
This is a scary thought for someone who has always flitted about from idea to idea like a bee in a sea of flowers. So many things to experience and so many ideas to play with! Well, playing with them just isn't doing it for me anymore. But it is so natural to me....focusing on one thing means wistfully watching so many other intriguing things go by while I turn my attention to my current project.
Then, there are always those internal voices saying, 'what a stupid idea, that would never work'. Or, 'intriguing idea, but YOU could never do that'. I have an uncomfortable sense that what is before me is figuring out how to develop the qualities in myself that give me confidence in my ability to set out and achieve what I set out to do. Setting some small, doable experiments that let me experience myself in that way.
Ugh, sometimes I think life was better when I was asleep.....
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