WHO are these people, and WHY are they here??

I've been in Marfa Texas for a few days. A friend and I recently dove into the deep end and bought a house out there. It's a fascinating place to me because all the pieces of the puzzle don't quite fit. It's a dusty little West Texas town but due to the influence of one man, Donald Judd, it has become a kind of art and architecture mecca. Judd was an artist and art critic who moved there in the 70s, drawn by the stark, simple beauty of the desert. He bought property and buildings to provide permanent placements for his art.

It is a town with heavy Hispanic influence and population, overlaid with wealthy, sophisticated art lovers from New York, LA, Dallas, Houston...and increasingly Austin. So you have traditional Hispanic culture, people from New York and parts yon who fly in for weekends, people who are trying to create economic basics like grocery stores, restaurants, and laundromats, and more and more musicians. Ya have the gallery owners and there are more than a few of them. The Austin contingent is definitely adding some "Make Marfa Weird" energy to the whole thing.

It isn't like there are hordes of people walking the streets, it's very quiet. My sister made the hilarious observation that the whole town must operate at a loss since you don't really see tons of people wandering around spending their money and filling the places of business. Who is supporting these businesses anyway?? But sit at the Brown Recluse, the local coffee house/hang out, or show up at one of the many visual and performing art events (how do they support these anyway?) and an amazing collection of people come out of the woodwork.

For example, last night Mingo Saldivar, The Dancing Cowboy, was playing with his band at Liberty Hall. His thang is the accordion on which he plays conjunto music accompanied by some pretty fancy footwork. It's a blast, I feel like I'm at a big Mexican wedding.....Huge crowd turns out (where were they all during the day?).

Who is the distinguished looking Asian guy who looks like I imagine I. M. Pei (and it really could be given Marfa's reputation, that's the totally WEIRD thing!) to look? He's all in black, very New York art circle, but, incongruously, he has a rope, looks like a piece of lariat, for a belt. Maybe that's his nod to being in Cowboyland. He is dancing wildly, and the very staid, middle aged, sophisticated ladies he is with are looking embarrassed since they clearly do NOT know what to do with his uninhibited movements.

Then, there is the Lady with Plum-Colored Hair who I have seen every time I have been there. I think of her as the "Where is Waldo" of Marfa because she's everywhere I am. Bizarre. But, tonight she is wearing a pair of cowboy boots that look like faux cheetah to me. I WANT THOSE BOOTS!!!! Briefly I consider luring her outside and mugging her in the alley to steal her boots, but she looks like a size 10, too big for me. Who is she?? The most I've found out so far is she had a gallery once, somehow has lots of money to spare and like to redo houses.

Then the sweet older Hispanic couple I saw at New Year's at the dance at the AmVet Hall, mostly an Hispanic affair. They are wonderful dancers and are clearly just as much in love as they were probably 40 years ago. He very politely asked me to dance at New Year's and made me look good, quite a feat considering I don't really dance.

Then, there was Tiny Man. He waited our table at breakfast and he is absolutely beautiful. He's about 5'1" or so, couldn't weigh more than 100 pounds. Dark haired, gold eyes, beautiful proportions, just a gorgeous man. I thought he looked like a mime. That was, until, we saw him move at the dance. Somehow, he didn't exactly move with feline grace as I expected. Might have been the large bottle of gin/vodka he was enjoying with the cowboys who were all about 3 times his body weight.

I can't make it fit, and being the snoop I am, it's all I can do not to walk up and ask them who they are and why are they HERE????? You know, it's a 7 hour drive from Austin and 3 hours from the nearest commercial airport so it isn't easily accessible and yet here they all are.

Why Marfa now in my life? It's that unusual life thing, it fits, it's the intersection of so many people I would never come in contact with otherwise. Hmmm.....where will it lead?

Living the unusual life.....

About 6 months ago, at the onset of my crise de la vie , it came to me in a flash of insight that it's important to me to live an unusual life. Now you might ask, what does that mean to you Allison? Gee,don't I wish I knew! I've been pondering it for a while. While I can't articulate the whole, I suddenly realized that expecting to find the unusual life walking the conventional path I am currently on is probably silly. The unusual is not likely to be found drinking lattes on a regular basis with the usual. Newsflash, Allison, helloooo!

I know 'not the usual path' covers a lot of territory. I've already deviated from it quite a bit if I compare it to, say, a two incomes with kids (Twinkies??) couple, living in a large planned community, going to soccer games, watching TV in the evening, church every Sunday, two cars, nice life. But, compared to the female equivalent of a spicy, colorful paella I lived with when I first moved to Austin, I'm cream of wheat.

She was South American, brilliantly creative, fascinating conversationalist, a modern day explorer (literally, climbing the Himalaya, sea kayaking in the South Pacific with her Australian boyfriend, a wildlife documentary maker) simultaneously sophisticated (her family of an old Argentinian line of writers and poets) and childlike (easily obsessed with clever, cheap toys, making up stories about her cat), talented software architect. She was probably the most interesting person I've ever known.

Well, that may be seductive but realistically it's probably a little more unusual than I have in mind. Besides, Maria seemed rather bi-polar. Which led to the other I wonder, the 99.99th percentile of unusual to the bi-polar or the other way 'round.....hmmm, best play it safe somewhere in the middle.....

OK, the unusual includes counting bright, creative people among my intimate acquaintances, giving play to my own bright, creative energies. Doing some things that could look pretty random to the casual observer, suddenly heading off in a a direction that grabs my attention. Not that that would seem too strange to those who have known me for a while :)

There is a difference though between now and how I've gone in new directions before....it seems more directed now. Before, it was, 'oh that looks so interesting, I'm going to check that out.' Kind of like a kid at the grocery checkout, just impulsively reaching because it's shiny or sweet.

Now, it's all wrapped up in finding some meaning for myself wearing a new skin. Bringing all my experience and wisdom to bear on something rather than thinking I have to accumulate more experience, more knowledge, more skills before I can do something important to me.

That feels profound to me. Accumulating more vs. directing my already more than sufficient resources and experience along unusual avenues.

Ooohh, instead of adding more clutter in my headspace, clearing out to the essential and beautiful.

Ha, I like that perspective!

Tough Cookies!

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Do one thing every day that scares you."


Well, I did it!

In true Allison fashion I toyed with the idea for some time before I decided that my determination to commit to a scary goal and follow it through demanded I act, not think. I am a master at conceiving an idea, completely developing it, finding 50 reasons it won't work and dropping it as quickly as it came to me. I can do that with 20 ideas in a day with one hand tied behind my back!

I have used my back issues as an excuse....no that's not true, not an excuse. I've been trying to change my behavior from pushing pushing always harder physically to learning to relax and reprogram some bad body movement habits out of my system. I used to be a big runner, aerobicizer, dressage rider. I've strained/sprained my back and ankles more times than I can count. And I overwork everything in my life, with my poor back seemingly the poor whipping post for it all. Over time, my body has compensated and made do to the point it has finally laid down the law and said NO MORE!

Pilates and Feldenkreis body work have done so much to help me that my back, while still temperamental, is definitely on an upward trend.

So, I am now a Tough Cookie who will not crumble! I have signed up for triathlon training! The Danskin triathlon takes place in June and I joined the Tough Cookies Don't Crumble training group. OK, OK, so they wear pink, and the name is a little goofy, they do a good job....no really! The Head Cookie is an inspiration.....tall, lean and fit, she is 4 months pregnant with her 4th BOY! You would never know it!

The running and cycling don't worry me too much, but the swimming makes my hair stand on end. I do not float, having my face in the water is unpleasant and unnatural, I am freezing the minute I get in the water, I canNOT figure out the breathing thing to save my life. I hyperventilate before I've done half a lap but my pride keeps my from stopping in the middle of a lap so I keep going until I am gasping at the end of the pool with black spots almost blotting out my vision.

The thought of storming a lake (oh my God! a LAKE! Deep Water!) with hundreds of other women at 7 am in the morning to swim a half mile while trying not to be kicked in the face, swum over, or humiliated is enough to make me bake some brownies, curl up with a book and an afghan and ingest 4000 calories of chocolate and butter in a single sitting. UGH!

But dang it, this is making a new me, screw scared!

Animus, oh my animus, wherefore art thou?

Animus:

In Jungian psychology, "a woman's....experience of the
masculine principle, influenced by father and culture, but mysteriously unique
to her also. It embodies her sense of grounding, her capacities, her ability to
focus her energies and achieve her desires in the world" (James Hollis, The
Middle Passage).

Boy (tee hee), this has been resonating for me big time. It explains so much of my experience over the last....well....5 years.

At Thanksgiving 2005, I broke up with a man I had been involved with for 3 years. He was a very successful entrepreneur with all the qualities that often go with that: very focused, hugely productive, amazing ability for spotting a money making opportunity and making it happen, very creative thinker....I always had the feeling if we had some major catastrophe in this country, Joe would not only survive but thrive. He was, simultaneously, a blast to spend time with and high maintenance in a number of ways.

He had been adopted. His father unfortunately drank himself to death by the time Joe was 14. Joe decided at some young age, after one too many times of being let down by his Dad, that he was not ever going to be disappointed again with any kind of expectation for that relationship.

From my perspective, he decided never to get so closely attached to anyone again that they could disappoint him or he would be heartbroken to lose them. Where did I read recently, that grief is the price we pay for love. It's a heavy cost to be sure, but the alternative is to not love deeply.

Once I came to see this, I realized that, despite our sympatico, that was not what I wanted. I bring a lot of special things to a relationship and I want to feel prized by the man I'm with. Not in a dysfunctional way, but I want us to mutually feel darned happy that we have each other in our lives. He could not express that, either because he didn't feel it or because he wouldn't let himself.

So, no regrets about my decision although plenty of angst over why he couldn't be different, a fruitless expenditure of energy of course :) At any rate, I have had a difficult time coming to terms with it. I could not understand why moving on has been so tough since I knew he could not give me what I needed. Yet, I still a year and a half later feel a tremendous sadness and sense of being lost without him.

James Hollis in his book, The Middle Passage, has articulated what I've been trying to express not very successfully. It's that animus thing. Joe embodied a number of qualities that are undeveloped in me, but that unconsciously I need. With him in my life, I felt complete. I didn't have to develop those qualities, because he could provide them for me. It's as if Joe was as much a part of my identity as my own self.

NOT A GOOD IDEA! to have to depend on someone else to 'complete' one's self. I'm guessing that a lot of my current anxiety is because I'm coming to grips with the fact I need to develop my own ability to focus, to singlemindedly pursue something I want, to develop my own business acumen and use it, to fully execute an idea, etc. If I don't, I will continue to be in anxiety as my internal self is demanding those things and will not be denied. Not to mention, I may always be looking for a man to provide those things for me.

That certainly ties in with the creativity bit. The notion of focusing on something, figuring out how to execute and following through with it. Bringing something to life.

Hollis says that is the job of our 'second adulthood', to develop the unconscious parts of ourselves we have ignored in our past.

This is a scary thought for someone who has always flitted about from idea to idea like a bee in a sea of flowers. So many things to experience and so many ideas to play with! Well, playing with them just isn't doing it for me anymore. But it is so natural to me....focusing on one thing means wistfully watching so many other intriguing things go by while I turn my attention to my current project.

Then, there are always those internal voices saying, 'what a stupid idea, that would never work'. Or, 'intriguing idea, but YOU could never do that'. I have an uncomfortable sense that what is before me is figuring out how to develop the qualities in myself that give me confidence in my ability to set out and achieve what I set out to do. Setting some small, doable experiments that let me experience myself in that way.

Ugh, sometimes I think life was better when I was asleep.....

From the mouth of hair stylists....

So, I'm having my hair cut (my color is so good right now, whoo hoo!!) and John Michael, who is a very cool dude, and I are talking over this women and 50 thing. He cracks, "I haven't heard anyone talking about this for, oh....about 2 hours." Ha, very funny.

At 3 that afternoon, his receptionist, Terry (who is 49), was relating to him a story about a friend of hers with whom she took a trip recently. She said her friend spent an inordinate amount of time fixing her hair. She would watch her when the friend didn't realize she was being watched and it was like she was in a trance. Kind of obsessing over hair. And, she's decided she wants extensions.

So, Terry and John Michael were puzzling over how some women do all kinds of high maintenance things to themselves as they go through this metamorphosis, transition, transformation, crisis, The Change...whatever. They do the kinds of things 20 years olds would be doing (oops, was he giving me some kind of hint? :) Others embrace it as total freedom from that stuff. Some let their hair go completely natural, and relax into it.

I said I thought it was a power thing. For good, or for bad, I have relied on my looks and physical presence as a tool I could use to command attention. And, I fully admit to having cruised through a couple of plastic surgery sites checking out the before/afters as things have, well....settled in uncharacteristic ways. I'm not really serious about surgery, but I do, in my most quiet and deep places, ask myself where will my power base be when that fades?

Our culture worships the young and supple, duh. Looks can get you added traction in a lot of ways. I have found it all too easy to rely on that for some added boost. What will I have as that continues to fade? Yes, I'm intelligent, warm, etc etc and my head knows that but my self-conscious little adolescent girl doesn't quite believe it.

Could it be those who have developed other aspects of themselves and who depend less on their appearance are more likely to see these changes as freedom? While those others of us may see it as loss?

Ha, Samson's hair was his power, when shorn, he was weak as a baby. Forget surgery, baby, bring on the hair extensions!!

John Michael who has quite a few clients in their 40s and 50s thought this power conversation was spot on. I have a friend who said she used to get whistles and flirting but when she turned 50 she suddenly felt invisible. Invisible....hmmm, Screw Invisible!!! What other aspects of myself could develop into my new, improved power base?

Next: Animus, oh my animus, wherefore art thou my animus?

What to let go of.....

This state I'm in has me feeling unpredictable. As in I want to rent my house, preferably furnished so I don't have to pack everything :), take only a few essentials (ahhh....interesting question....what would I consider essential if I had a 15 x 15 room?), and do a houseshare in another part of town. Or, run away to a new town. Maybe Marfa Tx, kick the renters there out and move into my house, run the coffee shop, and try to figure the danged place out.

How much are my attachments to my stuff, my routines, the wonderful restaurants and markets close by, freezing me in place? What am I willing to let go of to make room for this new whatever it is? I feel an urge to flip the nicely set table of my life upside down to see where everything flies. Could that include dropping my job? Ooh, that sounds irresponsible and dumb actually. Although if I got my house off my back and had a modest rent to pay every month it would give me some latitude to experiment with my life.

Hmmm, my dreams the past two nights have included tornadoes blasting old stuff to bits and killing my dog (whanh!), and moving into a new house while holding friends at bay who want me to fill it with stuff, and last, discovering someone has broken into my house and stolen my stuff.

Well! My therapist could buy a new car working through that goldmine of psychodrama!

Does anyone else feel those urges to blow the old life to bits and see what happens?

Approaching 50 and not liking it!

This approaching 50 thing has coincided with some big changes the last year in personal circumstances. Kind of a Perfect Storm of changes external and internal that have me wondering who the heck I am these days. My approach to life, the activities and people I used to find fulfilling, my outlook, they just aren't working for me very well. What's with that??!! Not happy with where I am, wanting to do some things differently but feeling like I'm not sure what those things would be.

Seismic shifts are rumbling within....so, I'm one for figuring out what stuff means so I can put some action behind it so I'm taking up blogging as something I would not have thought of before. Besides reflecting on what stuff means, I'm one to change some things up to see what happens.

I figure I'm not the only woman out there who looks and feels about 43 and yet is staring 50 in the face. I'm journaling about all of this anyway and thought making my thoughts public might yield some collective wisdom from the rest of you out there so I can cross this divide with, well, grace and Momentum!!!

Before reading this quote, just know I am by nature a sunny optimistic person....so the fact I came across this a few weeks back and it resonated is evidence of just how seismic the shifts feel:

Death of a Hired Man, Robert Frost:

"And nothing to look backward to with pride, and nothing to look forward to with hope/so now and never any different"

The theme that keeps bubbling for me is creativity, wanting something concrete to show for my life that tells a story about me. More later.....