A Unified Theory Of Relationships--Revised

The worm has turned. The tide has shifted. The barometer is rising (or falling, dang which is it??). I think I stand corrected.

I posted recently on Allison's Unified Theory of Relationships to the effect that people in midlife finding lasting relationships was akin to pigs flying, or snowballs coolly sipping an iced tea in hell.

I have many single friends, male and female, and it's pretty obvious to me that we ALL want that special relationship...but few of us have them. Oh, we try. We venture onto Match, we see this person and that. But there is always something, or many things, that don't work.

At least, that's how I saw it a scant 7 or 8 months ago.

But now, I'm wistfully, and a bit sadly, experiencing in my broad range of friends and acquaintances, that suddenly many people are pairing up. And, pairing up in far more promising circumstances than I would have imagined possible those few months back.

Probably no fewer than 5 or 6 friends and exes have found a love.

Wistfully, because it's so nice to see what they have. Sadly, because in my weaker moments, I have to wonder what's wrong with me? Am I sending a message that I'm not interested in a relationship, am I too picky, am I overlooking the nugget of gold under my nose, am I too aloof, am I too picky? I have to ask that last twice because inevitably I wonder if in my 'old' age, I have unrealistic expectations of what this should be.

I don't know the answer, it seems common wisdom that one should not 'settle', and the blessing of hitting midlife is that you kinda know what you are and are not willing to add to your life. But what's 'not settling' to one, is unrealistic expectations to another.

But, I see those around me pairing up and I'm happy for them. And, it makes me sad to be alone. I look up at the moon and the stars on a hot summer evening, at all that vast, impersonal expanse, and I feel very small and alone. And, I wonder if that is how it will always be.

Perhaps I should see this as evidence that it can happen when you least expect it. That things can change in an instant.

Perhaps it's a sign to look deep within and examine my innermost desires and expectations.

Maybe I just need to get out more.

In the meantime, I ache, and yearn, and wonder.

Uproarious Lunch with Midlife Gals

A month or so ago I was contacted by a lady who is blogging with her sister on all things middle aged. They call themselves Mid Life Gals. We exchanged some emails and it was clear to me that these two were characters of the first degree. And, being the snoop that I am, the more we went back and forth, the more I realized I could not rest until I had heard the backstory on these two!

I mean, two 50 something gals who didn't even know what a blog is only a few short months ago have already captured the attention of MORE magazine, the folks who run SXSW, and various book publishers. Not bad for a start :)

The blog is not for the faint hearted or for those who walk out of R rated movies. Despite that...or because of it...it is hilarious. And, don't even get me started on the videos...the one of SalGal 'barrel racing' with one of those scooters elderly folks sometimes find useful is...well check out Jazzy Scooter Race for yourself.



I finally got to satisfy my curiosity and met KK and SalGal for lunch last week. They started right off with a glass of wine. You know, I'm always somewhat jealous of folks who have drinks at lunch. It seems decadent, it seems vaguely European, it seems so, well, so sophisticated!

I myself find it hard to partake. I tell myself it's because I would be asleep all afternoon and it is the rare afternoon I don't have something I THINK is important to do (as opposed to without a doubt important to do :). But, it could be because it seems decadent, etc. Normally I would LOVE being decadent and sophisticated...what is my hang up with this??!!

Whatever...the conversation did get rolling without benefit of my imbibing. Anyway, within minutes, I realized that they are, indeed, characters of the first degree, delightful characters! We hit it right off. Hmmm, maybe it takes one to know one. Don't you think it's better to be a character and in the company of characters than too straight-laced. Next time, maybe I can get up the nerve to belly right up to the bar and have a glass too!

You should check these two out, they are a hoot hoot hoot! You can see them on their blog (link above) or on WomenBloom.

The Secret Strikes Again!

I have mentioned in other posts that my experiment this year with renting out my house, putting my belongings into storage, renting a room, and developing WomenBloom has been incredibly serendipitous. Everything has lined up so smoothly. It's been so serendipitous in fact that, if I think about it too much, it freaks me out.

Well, I've begun noticing lately that it's going beyond even serendipitous (I'm getting completely spooked now). As you might imagine, creating this website and developing the content part of it has involved me figuring out a whole lot of things. And, that often means hunting down people and resources that I need.

What has recently begun happening is that as soon as I realize I need a resource, or an idea, or whatever, AND I can articulate it, it comes to me. Whoa! I find that weird! It's wonderful...but weird.

Remember The Secret? I've devoted more than a little time in these blog posts to pondering how that principle works. Well, that's kinda what's happening....I ask, and it comes. And, we aren't talking common, one on every corner kinds of things. We're talking pretty specialized expertise often.

What's going on? I've said I think part of the secret of The Secret is about focus. If you are clear on what you want, and you are focused on making it reality, you are probably quite absorbed with making it manifest. I know I'm totally absorbed in this project. I'm talking about it (sorry my dear, patient friends), I journal about it, even when I'm not actually doing something directly with it, I'm thinking about it. Pretty much my whole being is focused on it.

And, as a friend pointed out, it's a project that's bigger than me. She thinks that's another reason I'm attracting what I need so easily. I have been surprised (duh, helloA!!) at the stories women have about their journeys. I feel so privileged to hear them and make them available to other women who hopefully find them as inspiring as I do. And, these are 'normal' women with extraordinary stories, not the Hillarys of the world. I LOVE providing an outlet for them, I LOVE it!

I guess that's what's going on. I've never experienced it before and it is very different from other things I've undertaken that felt like slogging, uphill work.

Whyever/however it's happening, I'm enormously grateful for it. I asked the universe for the opportunity to experience myself in a certain way and it is delivering, in Spades! What a memorable stage of life I'm now in. It is so surpassing what I imagined for myself.

Hey, maybe this 50 thing isn't so bad :)

A Unified Theory of Mid-Life Relationships

I was visiting with a single friend the other day and the conversation turned to relationships. It's funny how that so often happens :). We were pondering why it can seem so hard to find a person for the long haul when you get into middle age. Why should that be?? I mean really, why should that BE?

I ask you, how many singles do you know in the 40 + crowd who actually find someone and end up married or partnered? I know a LOT of people (married and single) and I can only think of 1 couple that I know personally. I know OF maybe 2 more at most. I suppose the chances are slightly better than winning the lottery, but I'd have to see the math on that.

Weeeelllll....OK, I do have a late 40s friend who recently (and heartwarmingly I must say) reconnected with a college love. They have reconnected almost like the intervening 25 years never happened. Before you go AHA! you're all wet!, I must tell you that everyone who knows them is marveling as if we just solved the world hunger problem. See what I mean? AND, the jury is still out on them. I mean they aren't engaged,...or moving in together...or picking out furniture together. I'm not ready to retract my statement yet.

I'm tellin' ya, it's a hard nut to crack.

So, my friend and I decided that the reason is partly, if not wholly, because at 20 you're a blank slate. You don't really know yourself, your likes and dislikes are still fluid, there is minimal accumulation of consequences from half a lifetime of decisions, and your hormones are raging such that much else fades into insignificance. Hard to tell what form you're going to take. You're blessedly too unaware to understand what life has in store for you over the next 30 years. And, you don't know a darned thing at 20 about relationships. What is the saying...ignorance is bliss?

But, it's hard at 50 for the same reason I've decided mid-life crises are so common. It's that 30 year accumulation of consequences from decisions that seemed reasonable at the time but have added up to land you in an unexpected/oopsie place. It's the lifetime of experiences that cause you to have closed places in your heart, neuroses, nervous habits, or things you absolutely will not put up with.

At 20, you're still a soft piece of clay. At 50, it's pretty obvious what the clay is going to be. And the picture can be pretty scary.

Well, that's probably too harsh. It's only scary because the other person can clearly see what you are. And they are pretty well formed too...instead of two soft little blobs of clay easily formed into one, you have two solid, clearly outlined bricks who knock chunks off of each other if they come together with too much force.

That's why I think it all requires revised thinking about the models of relationships we hold in our heads. If we aren't 22, then it doesn't make sense to be looking for the 2 Blobs model of partnering. Two bricks have to stay distinct from each other, close but clearly their own shape.

Of the 2 couples I know OF, one is married to each other BUT they keep separate houses, and spend the night together maybe 3 times a week. One likes minimal clean lines and a VERY clean space sans animal hair. The other has cats (and all the attendant outcomes associated with them) and clutter everywhere. Despite those differences, they really love each other. So, why aggravate the tar out of each other? Why not refuse to push back against those things and go with the chi?

It might not be every person's cup of tea. The point is they have devised an arrangement that suits their needs. A bit unorthodox but not such a bad deal I don't think. I used to have a boyfriend who traveled 3 or 4 days a week. It was great. We both were engrossed in our own affairs during the week, and then on the weekends we were so glad to see each other and we were ready to enjoy each other's company.

Wow, I think this could be the String Theory of relationships.

A Ladybug Launch

Legend has it that ladybugs are lucky. Their appearance can mean good harvests, good weather, or promising romantic prospects depending on which country you're in. I'm especially fond of that last one :)

Hey, silly me, I just thought they were cute little things.

But, over the last 2 or 3 weeks, I've noticed a strange and, if legend is true, propitious phenomenon in the house, aka my 'office'. As I've sat upstairs busily pounding away on my laptop putting the final touches on the website so we can launch next month, I noticed a little ladybug. She just kept hangin' around. I just thought, 'cute' and told Cooper, my dog, to quit trying to eat her as she strolled all over the glass door. Then, she seemed to invite her friends.

Until, before I knew it, there are a number of these little gals (is there such a thing as a guybug??) hanging around the door and windows. They've been here for a few weeks now and seem in no hurry to go anywhere.

I am taking it as a sign of goodwill and promising prospects for my website. A kind of ladybug launch, if you will. I feel a little like this brave lady getting ready, after these past months of giving so much energy and thought to this thing, to take a leap of faith out into the big deep blue! Notice you can't see how far down it is to the hard solid ground below.....just as well perhaps!

I don't know if they're really lucky or not, but they make me feel happy and upbeat. And, I figure it's a lot better than a room full of black cats. No offense to cats, I have one, but you know the legends about those!

3 Lessons from my momentous year.....

Well, the march of time successfully escorted me into my 6th decade. I find I am the same person I was the day before my birthday just with a slightly different age label. Not that bad really. I know, big surprise, right?? :)

It's been a big year both chronologically speaking and, I'm happy to report, in a personal growth way as well. The take aways for me are:

Holding onto old stuff can suck the life out of you. As I have mentioned in earlier posts, as part of making this a momentous year, I got serious about wanting to get rid of accumulated 'stuff' that was beginning to feel smothering. 'Stuff' as in a house I'd been in for 10 years which was full of furniture, knick knacks, books, old computer and stereo equipment that had a place once upon a time but had long since become big energy sucks. I felt bound down.

So I rented the house out, got rid of a lot of stuff and took a minimal amount with me as I began sharing a house with a woman who has now become a dear friend. And, I wanted to undertake a creative process that would test my ability to stick with something I didn't exactly know how to do. Check out my hair stylist's wisdom on this subject.... Very pleased with how this experiment has shaped up.

Stretching myself into unfamiliar territory is renewing. Once moved, I set out to figure out how to build a website and social network for women in mid-life. That has been my focus these past months. It was the creative project I chose to engage in....it is a topic of great interest to me.....and right after my birthday I stopped to acknowledge the fact that the site is finally a hair's breadth from going live. That in itself is an accomplishment.

That's where the personal growth comes in, I find that having stuck with this and just 'done the freakin' work' I have much more confidence in my ability to do just about anything. I feel green and supple. The challenge of making all these big external changes in my life, helpful as they are in breaking up old patterns, was that making true change requires the heavy lifting of shifting internal beliefs about how I think of myself and my abilities.

It isn't about not being afraid, it's about being afraid and doing it anyway. It's about acknowledging the old voices in one's head that are saying the task is too hard, or why do you think you can do that, or life would just be easier if you stayed in the comfort zone....acknowledging these and then going right on.

The payoff is really BIG. And, the changes don't have to be as radical as mine have been. Anything that pushes you into territory that scares you a bit will do. Once you experience getting through it, it makes you that less worried about doing it again.

Age isn't chronological is it? That's the big realization, DUH!! It's about where you are willing to put yourself. If you put your self in a box, that's where you'll stay. But you can leave the box anytime you're ready.

And, hey, the water's fine out here ! Really!

Wrinkles and Ram

I was reading a Ram Dass article yesterday called Aging Body, Ageless Soul. The whole thing had some great insights about the changes in our bodies and our lives, and how to think about them positively. I'll be the FIRST in line to say I do not like the changes taking place on my face and elsewhere (need I elaborate, we all know here what I'm talkin' about) without my permission. It's hard to get my head around actually, these changes creeping up on me.

My grandmother at 87 used to occasionally say, "I don't understand. I still feel about 30 inside" when she could no longer do this or that. We all--smug young things we were, how embarrassing to think about now--indulgently patted her arm, kind of rolled our eyes in complicity with each other as if to say, "can you believe it, how could she possible feel that?".

I'm here to tell you Grandmother, I so get what you were trying to say! Accept my deepest apologies for the arrogance of youth.

Anyway, I digress from my original point....

I awoke this morning to my east-facing window to a glorious sunrise in the colors only late fall and cool temperatures seem to create: greeny-turquoise, intense orange-red, and light so intense it doesn't seem to have a color, just golden white brightness. Then as those faded a bit, a kind of smoky heliotrope, soft apricot and soothing sky blue. Same for sunsets, just brilliant, almost-too-bright-to-be-real colors. I LOVE this time of year. Waking to this these mornings makes me feel so grateful to be where I am at this point in time.

Back to the point....one of Ram Dass' points was that taking a regular break from the busy-ness of our lives to appreciate timeless things like sunsets, the beauty of a flower, a piece of art, the tenderness evoked by the sight of a young child's wonder is what puts us in touch with the eternal core of ourselves. The part that has been and always will be the same.

I know that is so true. Several years ago, during an especially stressful time of my life, I found I could always comfort myself with the idea that Mozart would still be sublime, the sunset still as glorious, the stars as mysterious, the moon as luminous no matter what happened to me. External circumstances can change for good or for bad, but some things are eternal. It really is so true.

I shall endeavor to cultivate this approach to my visible signs of aging. Would somebody please remind me of this next time I get exasperated at that elusive chin whisker I can't seem to SEE to remove?? Thank you.

Creating the space

The countdown is on. 5 days left of being able to say I'm a 40-something (and that is reeeallly streeettttching). Then I turn the corner. I'm not feeling so bad about it really. I'm very happy with the past year. As I hoped, focusing on making it a year that counts feels very satisfying. It occurred to me the other day that I needed to think about the upcoming year in the same way....it feels so much better than drifting year to year which I'm sorry to say has often been my modus operandi in years past.

As I mentioned, in Utah, I began pondering what would make it a momentous year. It actually took quite a bit of sitting with the feeling of being 'lost' to get in touch with what I wanted. Lots of journaling. But, the first thing out of the gate of 2007 was a that a friend and I bought a place out in Marfa.

To check out interesting happenings in Marfa, click the logo for Marfa..org. It will put you in touch will all things Marfa.

Granted, that was a pretty crazy thing, but it is such a funky little place, such a weird combination of sophistication, kitsch, traditional hispanic culture, and Austinesque weirdness that I fell in love.

I'd been out there a number of times and its charm plus the vast beauty of West Texas convinced me it was the thing to do. Although it's a long-term rental at the moment, our plan is to eventually restore a couple of the old outbuildings into casitas and rent them, along with the house.

March or April is when I began seriously considering renting out my house here in Austin, putting as much stuff in storage as possible, and leaving my little neighborhood. My life felt flat, routine and uninteresting. I wanted to open my horizons. But you have to let go of something to make room for the new.

So, I let go.

The universe cooperated in way that was almost scary. I am spending a year in another part of town, in a lovely home I'm sharing with the charming owner (a friend of my sister's) who has become a fast friend. The house, is open, expansive, minimally cluttered and the view out the back shouts 'possibility!'. The views are so big that I feel open to anything! ExACTly what I needed!

I have met fascinating new people, reconnected with many friends, and I'm engaged in an absorbing professional endeavor (more on that later). And, although I miss my little neighborhood in some ways, it s amazingly freeing to be without most of my belongings.

That's the learning, letting go opens up possibilities. Scary, yes. But, I 've learned alot in this little experiment about how we can create something different for ourselves. It's a wrench breaking loose initially, but the universe does move to fill in the space we leave by doing it.

The conclusion to come......

Not a very chirpy post

I went to the funeral for a dear friend's mother yesterday. It's the third funeral for a friend's Mom I've been to this year. Another friend recently sent me a lovely essay by Suzanne LaFetra whose subject was on the surface about Dia de los Muertos but really was about how life is a continual letting go. Of relationships, jobs, loved ones, kids, our own selves as we change and grow.

Somehow though, the meaning of letting go deepens when you're this age. I haven't been to a single funeral I don't believe of a friend's parent before. Now, 3 in 10 months. It represents a new level of letting go. We begin losing parents which, although we dread it, we do expect. Once parents get into their 70s and begin slowing down, a tiny, growing heaviness slowly begins settling on your heart as you watch them, talk to them, spend time with them. Mortality, for them and for us, moves an inch closer.

Although I haven't yet been to a funeral for a friend, I'm beginning to see the inevitability of it appearing on the horizon. Ugh, letting go. I wonder if it gets easier to accept as it happens more often? Probably not although perhaps it gets easier to accept your own mortality. As you lose people precious to you, at some point, you must just begin dreading being without so many people who used to be close to you. Maybe you become resigned, even ready, to follow.

Not a very chirpy post today. But, life is very definitely NOT always chirpy. Without the poignancy of loss, would we feel the sharp joy of love? A moving quote I came across says, "Grief is the price we pay for love." I think the two must go hand in hand. It's not possible to have the one without the other.

Here we are, back at letting go.

A year of living momentously Part II

Sooo...I had thought a few times this past year, that a fitting end to my 50th year would be to play bass in a band. Except the thought scared me to death and I couldn't see how it could happen anyway so it was easy to forget about.

But, at my last lesson, my teacher mentioned the student recital they were having the day after my 50th birthday. Well, CLEARLY the universe was telling me I had to do it. I hate it when it does that :) So I will be playing Queen's Crazy Little Thing about 3 weeks from now with a bunch of 13 year old boys no doubt. Waaaugh!

I got to go see some amazing blues musicians the other night, our local Ruthie Foster and Taj Mahal, who from my standpoint is a towering Blues musician. What would it be like to have played music so long that it's just in your DNA, it just flows out of you like the rest of us breathe? Ruthie had a cousin, Tonya Richards, playing bass for her, what a musical family. And Taj's bass player was amazing. Some good inspiration to go home and practice :)

OK, a student recital isn't a real band. But, it is a taste of making music with other people which I've always thought must be fun fun fun. And, it IS standing up in front of a bunch of people playing a somewhat prominent part on an instrument that is still a bit of a mystery to me. Memories of those piano recitals, yikes! And then there is the fact that we only get to rehearse once or twice beforehand. No worries, right? Yeah, right!

WAIWFA? That's my new mantra. It stands for What Am I Waiting For Anyway? Referring to the fact time isn't infinite, life isn't a dress rehearsal, life is too short. Now, really I have no aspirations be a rock star (good thing hunh?) or do more than have fun with it. But, I don't want to be stuck in old beliefs about what a 50 year old woman should and should not be doing.

When I started my lessons, I was so impressed that at one of my lessons a 72 year old woman was sitting in the lobby waiting for her guitar lesson. She had just started too. Now, THAT is impressive, I love that!

I just feel fortunate and so grateful that I have these choices.

I guess I should start giving some thought to my debut outfit. Hmmm, spiky hair? Leather wristband like Bass Girl in the pic? Animal print? :)

A year of living momentously Part I

Well, after much hand wringing, inner angst, outward bellyaching (I am soooo grateful for my friends who patiently listened and supported), and big changes, the Day approacheth! Last year, about now, I realized that not only was my 50th birthday coming toward me at what felt like the speed of light, but that when my 49th birthday arrived in a few weeks, it would be the beginning of my 50th year.

Holy Pazzoli! (not sure who or what that is, sounds like either some kind of Italian dessert or a Cardinal of the Catholic Church, anyway...), I thought, wha' happened??! The realization startled me, to say the least.

As I pondered it, the idea of my 50th year seemed much more significant to me than the actual 50th birthday. I still have plenty of years left to accomplish some meaningful things, but I suddenly realized the years are not infinite. No more just 'passing time'.....go for the gusto.....carpe diem....what am I waitin' for any freakin' way??

I suddenly, passionately, wanted my 50th year to be memorable. The life unusual, fearless, momentous, focus....just a few ideas that popped into my mind. I wanted my life to be full of interesting people, I wanted to look back on the things I attempted and did in the knowledge I fully stretched myself, that I didn't let others' or my own outgrown ideas of what I 'should' be doing at this age keep me from doing anything. I wanted to be adventurous, bold, and create something satisfying and fulfilling for myself.

My year of living momentously kind of kicked off with the Big Adventure to Utah in a way. Gave me time to be thinking all this through. But shortly thereafter, I took my first step.....


I had been thinking about taking bass guitar for a while. Why? Don't know except it sounded fun and I always catch myself listening to bass lines in music. What am I waitin' for?? So, next time I took my clothes to the dry cleaner, I stopped in at Austin Guitar School next door and scheduled a bass lesson. No doubt the 13 year old boys in the lobby thought they were hallucinating but I had a blast with it. So, a year later.....weeeellllll, I think I'll save that for Part II along with my other momentous happenings..... :)

This time last year

I was out at Pedernales Falls State Park this afternoon. Hadn't been there in over a year due to a profound disgust/fear/freak out concerning snakes. My last trip involved 5 different snakes one of which was a rattlesnake and, I'm sorry, but I don't do snakes. Especially out of fear for my dear dear doggie, Cooper....but we braved it today and didn't see a single reptile (oh thank you thank you thank you).


Anyway, it is so lovely out there, beautiful green blue water, in pools, rivulets, cascading over long stretches of limestone (geologists, don't bust me here, if I'm wrong just chalk it up to taking poetic license), buzzards gliding and wheeling overhead, deep blue sky and wispy clouds that I call mare's tails. It's just nature at its best.

It got me thinking that this time last year I had a Big Adventure. For me anyway. I will get any amount of sweaty, dirty, and smelly during the day. BUT, I really really like to clean up at the end, or preferably before the end :), of one of those days. The camping thing I've done but only overnight with a car, plenty of vittles, and some access to water. In other words, I'm a bit of a girl when it comes to spending nights in the great outdoors.

Last year though, I resolved to do something that scared me a little. So, I took a 5 day back
packing trip to Canyonlands/Escalante Utah. It was with an outfitter but I went by myself which was fine as their were several singles in the group. I discovered a girl can do without hair product or even a shampoo, wear dirty clothes more than once, gain weight despite carrying a 20 lb pack for 10 miles over hill and dale (cooking was EXcellent!) 5 days straight , and climb up the slick, almost vertical sides of small mountains. (However, note to self and any other interested party, baby wipes, bring baby wipes).



Talk about glorious nature...the forms and shapes
are simply amazing. And, it emphasizes just what a speck in the universe we are. How long do you think these rocks have been there? We aren't even here for the blink of an eye, are we? That's a good thing to remember.







Here is what greeted my eyes every morning from inside my tent. I didn't even have to move, it was just there. It's hard to get up on the wrong side of bed when you start your day with a sight like that. That brilliant red only sticks around for a minute or two at most. It only appears as the sun just rises over the horizon. As quickly as it appears, it fades into a more sedate beige-y pink-y.


It's nice to relive it, it really was a great experience and it kicked off my year of living momentously. FYI, that's what I've mentally been calling my 50th year. As you read my posts, you know it's been quite a year, but this was a fitting beginning!

Nature is such a rejuvenator, it really helps put things in perspective. Every time I'm in the great outdoors I feel renewed!

New tricks, old dogs Part II

Recently, I've had some talks with friends about how we (as in we mid-lifers--geez I wish I could think of something to call us that wasn't that or, far worse, Boomers, yuk!) see romantic relationships. Something has been niggling me lately that makes me think I have some outgrown views on that. Just like learning to think of myself differently, I feel like I need to revise my views of what that person should be and the role they play for me..

The thing is, I don't know what to revise TO. I just know I came across something the other day that was so beautifully said in relation to how we think of our futures. She said we need to create a future for the person we are becoming, not the person we've been. That resonates big time for me.

The writer said that we form this view of the future for ourselves when we're in our 20s or 30s. When we hit mid-life, we begin to see the ways we have missed the mark in making that future a reality. But, we tend to cling to that outgrown future since it's familiar.

My friend, Pamela, said she heard the other day some dating coach on the radio who was discussing all the ways we bump potential love interests off our list. Well, they have to love animals just as much as I do. Or, they have to love hiking as much as I do.

Not to say those things aren't important, but the question the coach was posing was, just what do we have to have from a partner? What are really the core needs that person has to fill vs. needs we can fill from other sources? Hmmm....

Back to the future, I think that's what my vague unsettledness about the whole relationship question is. I feel I'm still operating thinking of a partner who is a fit for the person I was, not the person I'm becoming. If you asked me to paint a picture of what that looks like, I couldn't. But I do know I am taking a big growth spurt of becoming :) And so, like most other things in my life at the moment, I'm not entirely sure what fits going forward.

But as in many if not most things, it probably involves more internal change (that would be me) than external. Like, how I'm being in the relationship. Once you establish your patterns of communication/conflict resolution etc, it's hard--although not impossible--to change. I guess that's why they are called PATTERNS!! :)

Anyway, I'm running out of thoughts about this. But I suspect I'll continue to noodle on it, it feels very important. And, when something niggles me like this is, I pay attention.

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks....can't you??

I have recently come to notice that it is weird--when you've made some big changes or are doing something completely different than you've done before--to think of yourself differently. And hard to take it in and internalize it.

For example, I do not think of myself as someone who easily figures things out.....how to change a bicycle tire, or assemble a new composter, or how to do freakin' mail merge (am I the only one who finds this ridiculously complicated each and EVERY time I have to do it??), design an organizational or team intervention (my background), placate a bizarre computer gremlin...whatever. I believe in my bones I am not a good 'figurer outer' of things.

Then, the other day, I was driving down the freeway trying to think which bank I should open an account at for my business. I considered using someone from my Rotary club but they seem to all be male (not that being male is a bad thing :). So I thought of a woman I know from a community group I was active in. I thought, "Oh yes, Anna works with women entrepreneurs, she would be a good choice." With that, my eyes opened wide and my mouth made an 'O' and I almost ran off the freeway. Holy Cow! The realization hit me, I'M a woman entrepreneur! Geez!

THAT'S what I'm talkin' about. To think of myself as a good figurer outer or a woman entrepreneur goes so against the grain of my self identity as I have known it for decades now, that I find myself still struggling with it even though the evidence clearly indicates that I AM both of those things. Weird, very weird.

In my last job, I was the person people turned to when they had weird computer stuff going on. Or, had to do STINKIN' mail merge...can you tell mail merge gets under my skin?? Then, I have figured out a LOT of things around this business. Certainly not without a few missteps, but I'm doing it. Hmmmm, that would seem to contradict my deep beliefs that I can't figure out squat.

So, I think in the case of Figuring Out Stuff, the issue is that I assume someone who is good at it that does it effortlessly, that somehow they just know how to do it. Also, that they love doing it. I think that may be incorrect :) I'm coming to think it just means they will slow down, give it their attention, maybe make a few booboo's, but ultimately stick with it 'til it works. They may very well NOT like it! That's basically what I've been doing....that's what I did with my new digital recorder last night, aggravating as it was.

Then, I mean, I've invested some of my money and a lot of my time with this website. I've got other people doing certain parts of it, it's looking very good so far. I've learned a few lessons, thankfully not expensive ones....yet :) I've registered with the county and state as a business, I've opened a checking account. I"ve got a number of people running around doing different parts of it. I'm getting content together. I have business cards for heavens' sake! If that's not being an entrepreneur, I don't know what is.

Yet, I can tell that my bones don't believe it yet. I think they are more convinced I'm a decent Figurer Outer just because the evidence is pretty overwhelming at this point. The entrepreneur part is still a little sticky since there is the teensy matter of actually making money. Hasn't happened yet. But, the old bones are at least considering that I MIGHT be an entrepreneur. One step at a time.

I wonder how many of us women let these kinds of assumptions about ourselves get in our way of doing something we want to do? We believe something is true about ourself and we just accept it without question.

Hmmm, what evidence are you ignoring that contradicts what you believe about yourself?

Taos Travels

I just love Taos, it calls to me! I went by myself this time and thoroughly enjoyed poking around the galleries, museums, back streets, and surrounding areas. What is it about walled yards that is so appealing....and such a great backdrop for the flowers that never look like this in Texas! And literally, the mountains are visible from right in town, heavenly!






Went to the Harwood Museum there, great old building full of a variety of art some early modernist, some from the first art colony of Taos in the late 1800s. For some reason this portait made me sit down and study it. I could somehow see the real person even though it was a somewhat stylized image, something about her eyes.



This photo just speaks to the colors there I love, the shadows, the adobe, and the flowers! Something about adobe is so human and warm....and it makes colors pop.



As I've gotten older, I find myself much more intrigued by modern art and sculpture. I don't know why that is, maybe the fact you have to study it and it's open to interpretation. Life becomes less black and white, more gray, and perhaps it's that same principle at work for me re: art.

Taos has more than its fair share of sculpture gardens.....



One in particular is Lumina Gallery. Besides this incredible sculpture garden,





Felicia Ferguson has a beautiful house/gallery full of high quality contemporary art. Every window in the gallery frames an amazing view of the mountains and surrounding countryside (hers is sans highway:). Like this one.....



I begged her to hire me and let me live in the broom closet :)

She has just remodeled a couple of casitas on the property which is a few miles outside of town. They are beautifully decorated and reasonably priced. And just imagine walking out into the sculpture garden with your morning cup of coffee!

I wanted more time, but maybe it's best to leave a place when you still want more. That way you have the pleasurable anticipation of the next visit and it remains fresh and vivid in your mind and heart.

Allison fashion tips (please see disclaimer in small print at bottom of this posting)

I have the good fortune to be sitting in Taos, NM at this moment working on this blog post. I love it here so much, lots of natural beauty, good art, quaint buildings and unusual stuff to buy if you're in the mood. I am preoccupied with that at the moment actually.....

The last two trips I have taken I find myself absolutely stumped when it comes to packing. I simply have no idea what to pack. My wardrobe is so....so...incoherent right now, it does not hang together. I'm not sure which came first, the fragmented wardrobe or me forgetting how to pack but I'm pretty sure the two are closely related.

If a woman wants to look chic and 'together', yet easygoing, what does she pack for a long weekend in a semi-hip yet laid back place? A place where she may be doing a little hiking but at the least walking around a lot?? What does she wear on the plane that's comfortable and casual yet conveys she cares a little bit about her appearance? And, hiking boots.....clunky and space guzzling, ya hate to wear 'em on the plane but it's the sensible thing to do. Ugh, my head hurts.

I'm sure I don't know the answer exactly but a few thoughts occurred to me. I decided I needed a plane uniform. Of course, once I thought of that, I thought, "I need a long weekend in a semi-hip yet laid back place" uniform. The question is, what is this uniform to be? What is my 'look' and how do I reduce it to a uniform?

I'm thinking jeans with simple white long-sleeved shirt for the plane (it is so dang cold on those things). A very nice belt and some unusual but comfortable low heel shoes. A friend who is into fashion recently told me you go mostly cheap on the clothes but expensive on the accessories. That could be shoes, purse, jewelry, jacket, things like that. That makes sense to me.

That means I only need to buy.....shoes, purse, jewelry, and a jacket. Oh, GREAT!!!

Well, after poking around in Taos' boutiques and little shops, I decided to add my own little addendum to Debbie's good advice. Shop boutiques. I think you can make a lot of impression with one or two little pieces from a boutique that sells unusual stuff. And the ones here abound in hip little variations on a T-shirt of all descriptions. Lots have unique detailing. And not that expensive either.

Since I don't want to spend much on clothes but I do want to look 'together', I think I have to go with uniforms that consist of jeans, cotton shirts, etc. But, I am going to be looking for those few accessories that make the difference. Found the perfect shoes in a little shoe place here, only $208. Maybe to the Sex and the City gals that would be a bargain, but to this DSW shoe gal, that's hard to swallow. But they would look very cool and I do tend to wear stuff I like until it literally wears out.

Hmmm, well, I think the theory is sound even I'm having a hard time putting it into practice.....I'll work on it....

(Editor's disclaimer: Allison's fashion tips are in no way to be construed as authoritative, relevant, or even fashionable. Her views are hers alone, please check with your personal shopper before attempting to implement any of her ideas.)

Taking it personally

I was attacked this morning at 4:30 am by severe doubts about my ability to create this scene called an online community. Yesterday I was struggling a bit figuring out how to get content for a couple of my interest categories. And, I'm still thinking about the email I sent out to the ladies I've been talking to and held focus groups with.....I got some responses but not as many as I hoped and I asked people to let me know about women who like to write and inspirational stories I could use etc. Not what I expected. It all added up to give me a sleepless hour.

I took it, of COURSE, as any sane woman would, personally. Not as in offended or hurt, but as a reflection on my self-worth. Why do I think I can do this? Why do I think people would be interested in what I'm doing or what I have to say? I could go on but that pretty much captures it. And, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only woman who has that particular bug-a-bear to deal with.

It's like, when you throw a party--and don't deny it, I know all of you have thought this :)--and you're afraid no one will come. Or, you're pretty sure people will come but that isn't good enough. You want LOTS of people to come because then people will know you're a cool person whom others want to be around. And, I don't even need to point out what it says about you if people don't come in droves......

It struck me this morning in the light of day when it's easier to have a sense of perspective, that this is a basic difference between men and women.

See, it would probably never occur to a guy to think a light turnout to his party had ANYthing to do with the size of his manhood. If he thought about it all and was trying to throw more parties, he would merely consider it a problem to be solved. Hmm, well, let's see, I bet they didn't come because the basketball semi-finals were on. Hmmm, more queso and fewer sausage balls. Or, gee, I think it's time to change the oil in this thing....

That would pretty much be the extent of it.

A woman of course would spend hours stewing over what she could have said or done to make people not want to come. Did she not have the right clothes? Did she fail to consider who had just broken up with whom, so neither came? At previous parties, was her food unappetizing, was the conversation BORING??? Was she not measuring up to parties OTHERS WERE THROWING? WHHAAATTTT?????

OK, I feel better now that I can laugh at myself. I'm laughing because this is so extremely TRUE! Oh my gosh! I think I"ve just stumbled on the reason men are still in charge of the world generally speaking. (I think that's a woman thing too, to draw sweeping, generalized conclusions from a single datapoint--men would you agree with me here?)

So, I just need to be a guy about this thing. It's a problem to be solved, a puzzle to piece together, not a reflection on my worth as a person.

So, it might be that people are just busy and would give me some of the information I wanted if I approached them personally (ha, there is that personal thing again). Or, ping them as a group again because we all know people are very busy these days and sometimes you have to ask a couple of times....or understand that people don't know what the site is yet and just need to time to trust it and me.

It's a problem I can solve, not a personal reflection....OK Allison, write that on the board 200 times....

On second thought, maybe just a sticky on the bathroom mirror will work :)

Life Floats.....

A friend of mine was telling me the story of a friend of hers who has begun having some serious hormonal issues associated with menopause. That combined with some realizations that 50 is fast approaching and certain things in her life are not what she expected them to be have really got her down.

This isn't an uncommon occurrence based on what I've heard in my many conversations with women at this time of their life. Nor with me.

As I was listening to Pamela, I was musing on how you go through life, making choices and decisions....just living your life. You make some good decisions and some not so good ones. For many of them, you can see the immediate consequences of course. They work out or they don't.

You have kids or you don't. You get married or you don't. If you're single, you decide to stay in this or that relationship, or to leave it. You probably face that one more than once. Professionally, you accept additional responsibility or a proffered new position, or you don't. At the time, these decisions make sense. But it occurred to me that it's the larger implications of them that remain hidden to us.

Until mid-life that is.

I think mid life becomes such a big deal because we finally have enough 'data' to see the patterns formed by the accumulation of all those seemingly sensible choices. Unfortunately, the pattern of seemingly sensible decisions has landed us somewhere we did not expect to be. WAIT A MINUTE! HOW DID I GET HEEERREE??

From the vantage point of your late 40s, the past isn't exactly what you wanted, and the future doesn't stretch nearly as far as it used to.

Suddenly, you're 49 and unmarried. How did THAT happen?? Or, you're not at all in the professional space you wanted to be. The last kid is off to college, and you look at your husband of 23 years and realize you don't know each other. 'Yikes, wha' happened?', you ask yourself.

Voila! Mid-life crisis. Life sneaks up on you, it floats by before you realize how much scenery has slipped out of sight.

Mid-life is the time it seems to me, when we have to learn to let go. Letting go of kids, relationships through death, divorce or simply outgrowing, physical looks, dreams. Not that we don't have to let go all through life, but I think mid-life letting go, in general, goes much deeper, to things we hold deep in our hearts.

Letting go involves a grieving process. That's to be expected and it's healthy to accept and honor those feelings. And yet, mid-life doesn't represent the end of the line by any stretch.....

Being the eternal optimist, I've found that letting go of something means you've freed up space for something else. I prefer to think of a mid-life crisis as a mid-life recalibration. There is still plenty of time to dream new dreams. To reacquaint yourself with hubbie, to make new friends, do new things.....deciding what to do with that new space can be exhilarating. And scary. And overwhelming.

But before we get to that point, like Pamela's friend, we grieve.......

Women in Art Video

This is a lovely video that must have taken untold hours to do.....

The Wise One on my shoulder.....

It struck me yesterday, as I was having one of those rare mornings when the answer to a frustrating set of silly and unrelated incidents just seemed to be having a good cry (which I did....ah! that's so much better....), that even in the midst of my frustration and tears a part of me knew that this would go away and fade into the mists of time.

The sky would be its same lovely blue, again. The small, sublime beauties of life would still sneak up on me when I least expected it and leave me stunned with surpise and delight. The 10 year old girl in me would still take an unreasoning pleasure in using various colored and glittery-inked pens for writing everything from checks to journal entries.

It is definitely one of the perks of hitting one's 40s.

I noticed this beginning to happen several years ago. That even when I was in the depths of sadness , or presented with an upsetting situation or bad stretch of life happenings, there was a 'wise' part of me sitting on my shoulder, nodding knowingly and telling me that this would pass. "This kind of thing has happened before", my Wise One tells me. "Here you still are", she says, "having your share of happy times." "Remember how this works?" Oh yeah....I do remember, I think to myself.

It doesn't mean I don't have the occasional urge to just cry over the whole thing. Or life doesn't present more than its fair share of difficult times. But, I guess it's having lived through enough that you begin to see the patterns in things. So you see the ebb and flow of life more clearly. And you know that the pendulum always, eventually, swings back.

THANK GOODNESS!!

I think this awareness is what keeps the occasional 'yuck' time from spiralling into a much worse time. It keeps me more open to the possibilities embedded in those situations.

Even when I'm crying, I know that somewhere over the rainbow......