Recently, I've had some talks with friends about how we (as in we mid-lifers--geez I wish I could think of something to call us that wasn't that or, far worse, Boomers, yuk!) see romantic relationships. Something has been niggling me lately that makes me think I have some outgrown views on that. Just like learning to think of myself differently, I feel like I need to revise my views of what that person should be and the role they play for me..
The thing is, I don't know what to revise TO. I just know I came across something the other day that was so beautifully said in relation to how we think of our futures. She said we need to create a future for the person we are becoming, not the person we've been. That resonates big time for me.
The writer said that we form this view of the future for ourselves when we're in our 20s or 30s. When we hit mid-life, we begin to see the ways we have missed the mark in making that future a reality. But, we tend to cling to that outgrown future since it's familiar.
My friend, Pamela, said she heard the other day some dating coach on the radio who was discussing all the ways we bump potential love interests off our list. Well, they have to love animals just as much as I do. Or, they have to love hiking as much as I do.
Not to say those things aren't important, but the question the coach was posing was, just what do we have to have from a partner? What are really the core needs that person has to fill vs. needs we can fill from other sources? Hmmm....
Back to the future, I think that's what my vague unsettledness about the whole relationship question is. I feel I'm still operating thinking of a partner who is a fit for the person I was, not the person I'm becoming. If you asked me to paint a picture of what that looks like, I couldn't. But I do know I am taking a big growth spurt of becoming :) And so, like most other things in my life at the moment, I'm not entirely sure what fits going forward.
But as in many if not most things, it probably involves more internal change (that would be me) than external. Like, how I'm being in the relationship. Once you establish your patterns of communication/conflict resolution etc, it's hard--although not impossible--to change. I guess that's why they are called PATTERNS!! :)
Anyway, I'm running out of thoughts about this. But I suspect I'll continue to noodle on it, it feels very important. And, when something niggles me like this is, I pay attention.
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“…create a future for the person we are becoming, not the person we've been” is absolutely spot-on!! When you get right down to it, time really is ours to do with as we please. Which begs the question, are we willing to have the courage to be intentional about how our time is spent, rather than giving that responsibility over to other forces? (“Ummm, I can’t do, or learn, such-n-such because of this-that-or-the-other.”)
My vote is that we each be intentional about creating futures truly worthy of the grace and beauty within us.
Also (since this post mentioned relationships), two years ago, the following two quotations combined to have a profound , perspective shifting affect for me. They shifted my view on, my understanding about, my relationships with others... and my relationship with myself.
Greenleaf's concept of love (by way of H. Beazley): Love is wanting for someone to achieve his or her potential to the greatest extent possible.
"The greatest gift you can give to another is your liberating love. The most unselfish act of love is to encourage another to be emotionally self-sufficient and spiritually free and rejoice in that freedom."
- Eleanor Leatham
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