Taking the plunge

Well, if renting out the house, putting stuff in storage and moving to another part of town to share a house with someone isn't enough of a change, I did go off the deep end and give notice at work. Next Friday, June 8 is my last day. This is feeling pretty danged real all of a sudden.

The rent from the house should help me cover a lot of living expenses so at least I can have a few months to regroup and see what's next.

It seems as if so many women I talk to who fall into the broad category of Middle Age are in some kind of 'state'. They want to make changes, they are restless, they want more meaning in their life, they find themselves increasingly unwilling to put up with a job just to have a job. There is a lot of angst about this.

I think life was easier when we all weren't trying to self-actualize. You know, putting food on the table, a roof over the head, an occasional vacation. I guess just surviving economically does take energy, no doubt about it, but when it all has to have meaning and bring fulfillment etc etc in addition to.....well that is really hard work as well. And it calls for a level of self-knowledge that is hard won.

Part of my little experiment here is to see just how necessary all the 'stuff' of a typical life is. What do I do differently without a house to take care of day in day out? What stuff will I completely NOT miss in a year's time? Without all those externals to distract and preoccupy....well, what then? Where will my attention go?

I'm about to find OUT!!!! YIKES!!!!!

The realities of one

I sometimes wonder about our generation. There are so many of us in the 40 and older crowd who are single. Surely, we are the first generation to meet middle age in such large single numbers. I don't really know what an aging model looks like given those demographics.

Besides the singlehood, whether through divorce, loss of spouse or just never married, there are plenty of us who don't have kids. I'm ambivalent about that. Being independent with no responsibilities to spouse or kids has its advantages.....some of my friends are still helping their kids through school or helping kids who never quite made it out of the nest altogether. There are very difficult stresses and strains along with that scenario.

I on the other hand am free to do whatever I want. But one of the things I've learned in my life is that I enjoy things most keenly when there is contrast. It simply isn't fun forever to be able to do what I want. Not fun to have enough money that you usually get whatever you want. It's fun for a while but there is a point of real diminishing returns. Without having to sacrifice and save, eventually it's hard to get the same buzz. Same with singlehood.

So, I find myself a little envious at times when they are enjoying a family get together or celebrating a child's big accomplishment for example. I had to spend time with the dog at the vet today and a 5 year old named Miles sat down with me and offered to 'hold' the leash. What a friendly, sweet child! He just chatted and then offered to play a game of 'I Spy'. We were pretty evenly matched :)

I felt a little wistful afterwards. The folks next door had lots of family over today with kids etc. and I felt a little lonely. No spouse, no kids.

Somehow I never imagined getting to this place in my life completely on my own. Today I'm feeling the not so fun side of the coin.

Creating our stories

There's a lot of coaching, new agey talk out there about us all being co-creators of our lives. I do believe that.

We are the accumulation of our choices and decisions, whether made purposely with intentionality, or totally unconsciously, at the mercy of our complexes, family history, etc. But, the Tony Robbins-like folks out there would have us believe that creating the life we want is as easy as pie. Like going to Marie Callendar's and buying it, just making a choice, pointing and letting the nice lady box it up for us.

Perhaps it is quite possible to just decide one day to be 100% conscious of literally creating the story of our life going forward. That hasn't been my experience however. It's entirely possible I could be remedial in this respect, but I observe that lasting change of that kind is difficult for most folks.

I think it's more like making a lemon souffle than buying a ready made pie, not impossible but very tricky (I notice, have you?, I use a lot of food metaphors--I've been trying to lose a few pounds and I am craving something sweet, that must be it ).....a lot of practice and danged HARD work is what it takes. Neuroses, complexes and family culture residue are all pretty powerful forces in my experience. One can de-fang them so to speak....once you're aware of them they do lose some of their power. Vanquish them in one day though, rare.

I have caught myself though in recent months, while deep in my existential morass, thinking of my life as literally a story. Asking myself, given the character I am creating, what would she do now? If this girl wants to live an unusual life, what next move makes the most sense? Am I happy with her story so far? What cool situation can I create for her and what would she do in it?

Abstracting it to that level, seems to help shortcircuit the voices in my head who whine and wring hands about what if I can't do this or that? Also, I'm thinking of it all as a big experiment. Somehow, that context shifts things as well. You just know in an experiment that some things will work and some won't. It's OK, it's expected. Much different than the performance anxiety that ensues when I set a task that I can't allow myself to fail at or.....well.... something dreadful will happen.

The changes I'm making feel just right for my story. Scary scary, but that's what I want my character to do, it fits the story I'm writing.

mind and body connection

I went to pilates yesterday morning and am more convinced than I was this week that I need to focus on that kind of activity. Like my life at the moment where I'm calling on myself to stretch, to get long, to relax in to life, pilates helps my body to do the same. I feel like my body has forgotten how to relax, it always has tension/tone in the muscles. By evening I was feeling longer and more relaxed. Bouncier in my step. So, that's the plan, lots of pilates, maybe even some easy yoga and this is the summer I learn to swim. Goal: to relax in the water ( not natural for me as I've already explained!) and enjoy the nice all over tired feeling swimming can give you.

An easygoing yoga will be good because it is slow, will let me focus on keeping myself straight, long and relaxed. Boy will this ever be a huge change.

Another change I'm feeling is being more willing to try something out of curiosity. I've always been a curious sort (some who know me well would call me a downright snoop :), love learning, poking around to find out what's going on, following something that catches my attention.

BUT, I haven't been so good at trying to figuring out HOW to do something through curiosity alone. I get caught up in it has to be done perfectly or a certain way and I'm afraid I won't be able to do it. So, if I run into an obstacle or difficulty, I'm more likely to just drop it. That is another change I'm making. Thinking of it in a way that doesn't provoke my performance anxiety. Spirit of experimentation, what happens if I do this, oh that didn't work, what if I did this? I want to know how that approach feels and how its outcome is different.

Hmmm, maybe cookies do crumble

Well, I'm struggling here.

After a swim in the choppy lake last week (whew, I did it!) and a hard workout of biking and running on Saturday I was congratulating myself that I got my creaky, stiff body through it all in relatively good shape. On Sunday morning, I noticed my right knee was a little ouchy, no biggie. By Sunday evening it was more than a little ouchy and Monday VERY ouchy. So, having made the deal with myself on this triathlon deal to pay close attention and NOT pull my old over achieving tricks on my recovering body, I decided not to do our run workout and do a bike ride instead.

Well, it was the bike that aggravated it. We discovered a crack in the frame of my bike so I'm on a borrowed cycle that apparently doesn't fit I believe. Last night after my ride the knee was so sore that I was concerned I might have torn a ligament or tendon. It's a little better tonight but between that and a back that feels like it is taking steps backward into stiffness and achiness, I'm grappling with letting the triathlon training go for now. But dang, that is a tough one since I've always been one to ignore little things like that and push on through.

But, it struck me that maybe for me, the real challenge my 50th year, is to learn to relax into things, be more conscious of the flow rather than push push push to make things happen. I already have that down cold. It does seem that my back has been a pretty faithful reflection of what's happening to me emotionally and mentally. I'm in this process of letting go old habits, routines and places, perhaps it's the time to let go my old running patterns and focus on pilates, some weight lifting to strengthen, and learn to swim properly once and for all. Keep the stress on my body to a minimum while I solidify the gains I've made.

Hmmm, things less obvious on the surface but strength building down deep. That feels like what's going on externally for me as well. More subtle.

##%*&#@*&! It's so hard though, I've always been so strong and athletic, my concept of fit and strong involves strenuous activities. This would involve a real shift in thinking.....hmmm, grrrrr.....not being able to do this strikes at the heart of my concept of myself, PHHHTTT!

The Secret at work

It is a little spooky how easily all this is falling into place. The video about The Secret is all the rage at the moment. A redo of the old Law Of Attraction but with slick marketing and production values. I think it is off in some ways but I do believe that once you commit to something on a deep level, opportunities begin appearing. And, boy, are they ever happening to me.

I signed a lease to rent my house this weekend. I answered an ad with a wish list describing my house and its location perfectly on our neighborhood listserv. Lo! a young couple replied to me with the serendipitous news that they had lived across the street from me until a couple of years ago (I didn't put the names together). They moved way out towards the lake but are building close in and need a place to live while they do that. So I get some good tenants and they are thrilled to live on their old street with the other 4 couples with a child under 18 mos. and golden retrievers or labs. Weird....

Add that to the ease with which I found a houseshare in another part of town with a pretty perfect set up and it's even weirder.....but that's not all!

I have had this crazy notion I want to do a documentary about women at 50 in transition. I know zip about making a documentary, I might as well say I wanted to be a rocket scientist. But, suddenly documentary makers are everywhere around me. Too numerous to even go into, but I have many resources for exploring this idea.

In fact, I've had so many other things going in the past week or two that the documentary has been on the back burner. So, the universe has given me a couple of nudges with the sister of a friend calling me to say a friend of hers who helped her make her movie and who makes documentaries is in town and would I like to go to lunch or dinner with them. Crazy. Not to mention a friend I haven't talked to in 3 or 4 years because he lives in Australia....his brother lives here and is, guess what, a videographer and maker of films and documentaries. Called me out of the blue over the weekend.

I am taking this as promising universe support.....

Out of the frying pan

I woke up this morning in a bit of panic at what I'm doing. At the heart of it is that, the excitement and thrill of setting out on a new adventure is very energizing, new people, new places, that is all a recipe for jazzing my sense of curiosity and discovery, my favorite things! But the underlying issues of: Who is this new me struggling to emerge? What is meaningful to me as I move into this new and significant decade? On what will I choose to expend my energy?....all those questions remain. And as yet, they are unanswered.

Changing location and external circumstance alone is not going to provide answers. I think on some level, I believed it would, but I'm having a sobering moment of realization that alas, it isn't. If only it would, that is much simpler than doing the internal digging to find those answers.

Of Gulliver, the Lilliputians and a magazine....Part II

So, I played a game with myself the other night. OK, I said to myself. I am going to put myself in the mental and emotional space of preparing to move out of my house taking just my dog, my bass guitar, my clothes, a few books, and move into a room somewhere, run free of my stuff.

'Close my eyes...OK, ok....ok I'm there..... Now, what do I need to do?' Well, being in my bathroom at the time, when I opened my eyes, they lit on a stack on magazines on the back of the toilet. 'Those have to go', I said to myself briskly. I pick up the first one, Su Casa, with a DARling little straw bale house in it that I just love! Onnhhh, 'I might want to build this someday, I can't throw that away'. OK, Sundance catalog from two seasons ago....'Onh, that pearl ring is LUSCIOUS! I might want that someday'...... DONH!!!

Good God. I can't even throw away an old catalog! This is far worse than I imagined. My stuff has me captive!

That decided me. I am forging ahead with the notion of renting out my house and moving out with only a few essentials. Can I really do it? It's such a seductive thing in the abstract. Well, the end result is seductive, I can't ignore the in between of really letting go of the external parts of my life, that will be oh so ouchy.

I guess I know myself partly through my surroundings, the things I have around me, my routines. They are grounding, they are comforting. I love the coffee shop down the street. I love that the specialty market is 3 blocks away (my grocery bill should go down substantially if I take the plunge). I love walking around my charming little neighborhood. The familiar landmarks, watching it evolve, the toddlers on my street who would double their lifespan in the time I would be gone.

I know these things will be here when I return, I can fall in love all over again. But still, to let go....I can feel a stir of grieving at the thought.....

Of Gulliver, the Lilliputians and a magazine....Part I

I was always fascinated by the part in Gulliver's Travels where the Lilliputians managed to immobilize someone many times bigger than themselves by a multitude of individual ropes. Don't know if that's really in the book or not, maybe I saw it on TV once upon a time. A powerful image, this brawny guy totally bound to the ground with a bunch of tiny people putting the final touches on ropes around his forehead, his arms, his chest....the startled, frightened look in his eyes as he realizes.....he simply can't move.

The thing that struck me most was that it wasn't the force of any one rope, but the accumulation of many, many individual tethers that overpowered him.

OK, you may ask, where in the world am I going with this? I am feeling that way about my stuff. I have a darling 1929 bungalow in a great neighborhood in hip Austin. I have some very nice antiques, many many books, and the accumulation of decades of gifts, knick knacks, a bazillion papers/articles/reading material about organizational development, 5 sets of dishes.....my house and my neighborhood are so comfortable. But still, so much stuff.

Lately, I feel smothered and bound down by my stuff. I sense the invisible force of a thousand individual things that are weighing me down. The thing is I haven't been buying much stuff in the last few years, with the exception of books which are a very big weakness with me. Most of my stuff is from years past. But that's just it....I feel it is tying me to the past when my spirit is yearning to fly light and free in a new direction.

Stay tuned for Part II....