Creating the space

The countdown is on. 5 days left of being able to say I'm a 40-something (and that is reeeallly streeettttching). Then I turn the corner. I'm not feeling so bad about it really. I'm very happy with the past year. As I hoped, focusing on making it a year that counts feels very satisfying. It occurred to me the other day that I needed to think about the upcoming year in the same way....it feels so much better than drifting year to year which I'm sorry to say has often been my modus operandi in years past.

As I mentioned, in Utah, I began pondering what would make it a momentous year. It actually took quite a bit of sitting with the feeling of being 'lost' to get in touch with what I wanted. Lots of journaling. But, the first thing out of the gate of 2007 was a that a friend and I bought a place out in Marfa.

To check out interesting happenings in Marfa, click the logo for Marfa..org. It will put you in touch will all things Marfa.

Granted, that was a pretty crazy thing, but it is such a funky little place, such a weird combination of sophistication, kitsch, traditional hispanic culture, and Austinesque weirdness that I fell in love.

I'd been out there a number of times and its charm plus the vast beauty of West Texas convinced me it was the thing to do. Although it's a long-term rental at the moment, our plan is to eventually restore a couple of the old outbuildings into casitas and rent them, along with the house.

March or April is when I began seriously considering renting out my house here in Austin, putting as much stuff in storage as possible, and leaving my little neighborhood. My life felt flat, routine and uninteresting. I wanted to open my horizons. But you have to let go of something to make room for the new.

So, I let go.

The universe cooperated in way that was almost scary. I am spending a year in another part of town, in a lovely home I'm sharing with the charming owner (a friend of my sister's) who has become a fast friend. The house, is open, expansive, minimally cluttered and the view out the back shouts 'possibility!'. The views are so big that I feel open to anything! ExACTly what I needed!

I have met fascinating new people, reconnected with many friends, and I'm engaged in an absorbing professional endeavor (more on that later). And, although I miss my little neighborhood in some ways, it s amazingly freeing to be without most of my belongings.

That's the learning, letting go opens up possibilities. Scary, yes. But, I 've learned alot in this little experiment about how we can create something different for ourselves. It's a wrench breaking loose initially, but the universe does move to fill in the space we leave by doing it.

The conclusion to come......

Not a very chirpy post

I went to the funeral for a dear friend's mother yesterday. It's the third funeral for a friend's Mom I've been to this year. Another friend recently sent me a lovely essay by Suzanne LaFetra whose subject was on the surface about Dia de los Muertos but really was about how life is a continual letting go. Of relationships, jobs, loved ones, kids, our own selves as we change and grow.

Somehow though, the meaning of letting go deepens when you're this age. I haven't been to a single funeral I don't believe of a friend's parent before. Now, 3 in 10 months. It represents a new level of letting go. We begin losing parents which, although we dread it, we do expect. Once parents get into their 70s and begin slowing down, a tiny, growing heaviness slowly begins settling on your heart as you watch them, talk to them, spend time with them. Mortality, for them and for us, moves an inch closer.

Although I haven't yet been to a funeral for a friend, I'm beginning to see the inevitability of it appearing on the horizon. Ugh, letting go. I wonder if it gets easier to accept as it happens more often? Probably not although perhaps it gets easier to accept your own mortality. As you lose people precious to you, at some point, you must just begin dreading being without so many people who used to be close to you. Maybe you become resigned, even ready, to follow.

Not a very chirpy post today. But, life is very definitely NOT always chirpy. Without the poignancy of loss, would we feel the sharp joy of love? A moving quote I came across says, "Grief is the price we pay for love." I think the two must go hand in hand. It's not possible to have the one without the other.

Here we are, back at letting go.

A year of living momentously Part II

Sooo...I had thought a few times this past year, that a fitting end to my 50th year would be to play bass in a band. Except the thought scared me to death and I couldn't see how it could happen anyway so it was easy to forget about.

But, at my last lesson, my teacher mentioned the student recital they were having the day after my 50th birthday. Well, CLEARLY the universe was telling me I had to do it. I hate it when it does that :) So I will be playing Queen's Crazy Little Thing about 3 weeks from now with a bunch of 13 year old boys no doubt. Waaaugh!

I got to go see some amazing blues musicians the other night, our local Ruthie Foster and Taj Mahal, who from my standpoint is a towering Blues musician. What would it be like to have played music so long that it's just in your DNA, it just flows out of you like the rest of us breathe? Ruthie had a cousin, Tonya Richards, playing bass for her, what a musical family. And Taj's bass player was amazing. Some good inspiration to go home and practice :)

OK, a student recital isn't a real band. But, it is a taste of making music with other people which I've always thought must be fun fun fun. And, it IS standing up in front of a bunch of people playing a somewhat prominent part on an instrument that is still a bit of a mystery to me. Memories of those piano recitals, yikes! And then there is the fact that we only get to rehearse once or twice beforehand. No worries, right? Yeah, right!

WAIWFA? That's my new mantra. It stands for What Am I Waiting For Anyway? Referring to the fact time isn't infinite, life isn't a dress rehearsal, life is too short. Now, really I have no aspirations be a rock star (good thing hunh?) or do more than have fun with it. But, I don't want to be stuck in old beliefs about what a 50 year old woman should and should not be doing.

When I started my lessons, I was so impressed that at one of my lessons a 72 year old woman was sitting in the lobby waiting for her guitar lesson. She had just started too. Now, THAT is impressive, I love that!

I just feel fortunate and so grateful that I have these choices.

I guess I should start giving some thought to my debut outfit. Hmmm, spiky hair? Leather wristband like Bass Girl in the pic? Animal print? :)

A year of living momentously Part I

Well, after much hand wringing, inner angst, outward bellyaching (I am soooo grateful for my friends who patiently listened and supported), and big changes, the Day approacheth! Last year, about now, I realized that not only was my 50th birthday coming toward me at what felt like the speed of light, but that when my 49th birthday arrived in a few weeks, it would be the beginning of my 50th year.

Holy Pazzoli! (not sure who or what that is, sounds like either some kind of Italian dessert or a Cardinal of the Catholic Church, anyway...), I thought, wha' happened??! The realization startled me, to say the least.

As I pondered it, the idea of my 50th year seemed much more significant to me than the actual 50th birthday. I still have plenty of years left to accomplish some meaningful things, but I suddenly realized the years are not infinite. No more just 'passing time'.....go for the gusto.....carpe diem....what am I waitin' for any freakin' way??

I suddenly, passionately, wanted my 50th year to be memorable. The life unusual, fearless, momentous, focus....just a few ideas that popped into my mind. I wanted my life to be full of interesting people, I wanted to look back on the things I attempted and did in the knowledge I fully stretched myself, that I didn't let others' or my own outgrown ideas of what I 'should' be doing at this age keep me from doing anything. I wanted to be adventurous, bold, and create something satisfying and fulfilling for myself.

My year of living momentously kind of kicked off with the Big Adventure to Utah in a way. Gave me time to be thinking all this through. But shortly thereafter, I took my first step.....


I had been thinking about taking bass guitar for a while. Why? Don't know except it sounded fun and I always catch myself listening to bass lines in music. What am I waitin' for?? So, next time I took my clothes to the dry cleaner, I stopped in at Austin Guitar School next door and scheduled a bass lesson. No doubt the 13 year old boys in the lobby thought they were hallucinating but I had a blast with it. So, a year later.....weeeellllll, I think I'll save that for Part II along with my other momentous happenings..... :)

This time last year

I was out at Pedernales Falls State Park this afternoon. Hadn't been there in over a year due to a profound disgust/fear/freak out concerning snakes. My last trip involved 5 different snakes one of which was a rattlesnake and, I'm sorry, but I don't do snakes. Especially out of fear for my dear dear doggie, Cooper....but we braved it today and didn't see a single reptile (oh thank you thank you thank you).


Anyway, it is so lovely out there, beautiful green blue water, in pools, rivulets, cascading over long stretches of limestone (geologists, don't bust me here, if I'm wrong just chalk it up to taking poetic license), buzzards gliding and wheeling overhead, deep blue sky and wispy clouds that I call mare's tails. It's just nature at its best.

It got me thinking that this time last year I had a Big Adventure. For me anyway. I will get any amount of sweaty, dirty, and smelly during the day. BUT, I really really like to clean up at the end, or preferably before the end :), of one of those days. The camping thing I've done but only overnight with a car, plenty of vittles, and some access to water. In other words, I'm a bit of a girl when it comes to spending nights in the great outdoors.

Last year though, I resolved to do something that scared me a little. So, I took a 5 day back
packing trip to Canyonlands/Escalante Utah. It was with an outfitter but I went by myself which was fine as their were several singles in the group. I discovered a girl can do without hair product or even a shampoo, wear dirty clothes more than once, gain weight despite carrying a 20 lb pack for 10 miles over hill and dale (cooking was EXcellent!) 5 days straight , and climb up the slick, almost vertical sides of small mountains. (However, note to self and any other interested party, baby wipes, bring baby wipes).



Talk about glorious nature...the forms and shapes
are simply amazing. And, it emphasizes just what a speck in the universe we are. How long do you think these rocks have been there? We aren't even here for the blink of an eye, are we? That's a good thing to remember.







Here is what greeted my eyes every morning from inside my tent. I didn't even have to move, it was just there. It's hard to get up on the wrong side of bed when you start your day with a sight like that. That brilliant red only sticks around for a minute or two at most. It only appears as the sun just rises over the horizon. As quickly as it appears, it fades into a more sedate beige-y pink-y.


It's nice to relive it, it really was a great experience and it kicked off my year of living momentously. FYI, that's what I've mentally been calling my 50th year. As you read my posts, you know it's been quite a year, but this was a fitting beginning!

Nature is such a rejuvenator, it really helps put things in perspective. Every time I'm in the great outdoors I feel renewed!

New tricks, old dogs Part II

Recently, I've had some talks with friends about how we (as in we mid-lifers--geez I wish I could think of something to call us that wasn't that or, far worse, Boomers, yuk!) see romantic relationships. Something has been niggling me lately that makes me think I have some outgrown views on that. Just like learning to think of myself differently, I feel like I need to revise my views of what that person should be and the role they play for me..

The thing is, I don't know what to revise TO. I just know I came across something the other day that was so beautifully said in relation to how we think of our futures. She said we need to create a future for the person we are becoming, not the person we've been. That resonates big time for me.

The writer said that we form this view of the future for ourselves when we're in our 20s or 30s. When we hit mid-life, we begin to see the ways we have missed the mark in making that future a reality. But, we tend to cling to that outgrown future since it's familiar.

My friend, Pamela, said she heard the other day some dating coach on the radio who was discussing all the ways we bump potential love interests off our list. Well, they have to love animals just as much as I do. Or, they have to love hiking as much as I do.

Not to say those things aren't important, but the question the coach was posing was, just what do we have to have from a partner? What are really the core needs that person has to fill vs. needs we can fill from other sources? Hmmm....

Back to the future, I think that's what my vague unsettledness about the whole relationship question is. I feel I'm still operating thinking of a partner who is a fit for the person I was, not the person I'm becoming. If you asked me to paint a picture of what that looks like, I couldn't. But I do know I am taking a big growth spurt of becoming :) And so, like most other things in my life at the moment, I'm not entirely sure what fits going forward.

But as in many if not most things, it probably involves more internal change (that would be me) than external. Like, how I'm being in the relationship. Once you establish your patterns of communication/conflict resolution etc, it's hard--although not impossible--to change. I guess that's why they are called PATTERNS!! :)

Anyway, I'm running out of thoughts about this. But I suspect I'll continue to noodle on it, it feels very important. And, when something niggles me like this is, I pay attention.

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks....can't you??

I have recently come to notice that it is weird--when you've made some big changes or are doing something completely different than you've done before--to think of yourself differently. And hard to take it in and internalize it.

For example, I do not think of myself as someone who easily figures things out.....how to change a bicycle tire, or assemble a new composter, or how to do freakin' mail merge (am I the only one who finds this ridiculously complicated each and EVERY time I have to do it??), design an organizational or team intervention (my background), placate a bizarre computer gremlin...whatever. I believe in my bones I am not a good 'figurer outer' of things.

Then, the other day, I was driving down the freeway trying to think which bank I should open an account at for my business. I considered using someone from my Rotary club but they seem to all be male (not that being male is a bad thing :). So I thought of a woman I know from a community group I was active in. I thought, "Oh yes, Anna works with women entrepreneurs, she would be a good choice." With that, my eyes opened wide and my mouth made an 'O' and I almost ran off the freeway. Holy Cow! The realization hit me, I'M a woman entrepreneur! Geez!

THAT'S what I'm talkin' about. To think of myself as a good figurer outer or a woman entrepreneur goes so against the grain of my self identity as I have known it for decades now, that I find myself still struggling with it even though the evidence clearly indicates that I AM both of those things. Weird, very weird.

In my last job, I was the person people turned to when they had weird computer stuff going on. Or, had to do STINKIN' mail merge...can you tell mail merge gets under my skin?? Then, I have figured out a LOT of things around this business. Certainly not without a few missteps, but I'm doing it. Hmmmm, that would seem to contradict my deep beliefs that I can't figure out squat.

So, I think in the case of Figuring Out Stuff, the issue is that I assume someone who is good at it that does it effortlessly, that somehow they just know how to do it. Also, that they love doing it. I think that may be incorrect :) I'm coming to think it just means they will slow down, give it their attention, maybe make a few booboo's, but ultimately stick with it 'til it works. They may very well NOT like it! That's basically what I've been doing....that's what I did with my new digital recorder last night, aggravating as it was.

Then, I mean, I've invested some of my money and a lot of my time with this website. I've got other people doing certain parts of it, it's looking very good so far. I've learned a few lessons, thankfully not expensive ones....yet :) I've registered with the county and state as a business, I've opened a checking account. I"ve got a number of people running around doing different parts of it. I'm getting content together. I have business cards for heavens' sake! If that's not being an entrepreneur, I don't know what is.

Yet, I can tell that my bones don't believe it yet. I think they are more convinced I'm a decent Figurer Outer just because the evidence is pretty overwhelming at this point. The entrepreneur part is still a little sticky since there is the teensy matter of actually making money. Hasn't happened yet. But, the old bones are at least considering that I MIGHT be an entrepreneur. One step at a time.

I wonder how many of us women let these kinds of assumptions about ourselves get in our way of doing something we want to do? We believe something is true about ourself and we just accept it without question.

Hmmm, what evidence are you ignoring that contradicts what you believe about yourself?