A Unified Theory of Mid-Life Relationships

I was visiting with a single friend the other day and the conversation turned to relationships. It's funny how that so often happens :). We were pondering why it can seem so hard to find a person for the long haul when you get into middle age. Why should that be?? I mean really, why should that BE?

I ask you, how many singles do you know in the 40 + crowd who actually find someone and end up married or partnered? I know a LOT of people (married and single) and I can only think of 1 couple that I know personally. I know OF maybe 2 more at most. I suppose the chances are slightly better than winning the lottery, but I'd have to see the math on that.

Weeeelllll....OK, I do have a late 40s friend who recently (and heartwarmingly I must say) reconnected with a college love. They have reconnected almost like the intervening 25 years never happened. Before you go AHA! you're all wet!, I must tell you that everyone who knows them is marveling as if we just solved the world hunger problem. See what I mean? AND, the jury is still out on them. I mean they aren't engaged,...or moving in together...or picking out furniture together. I'm not ready to retract my statement yet.

I'm tellin' ya, it's a hard nut to crack.

So, my friend and I decided that the reason is partly, if not wholly, because at 20 you're a blank slate. You don't really know yourself, your likes and dislikes are still fluid, there is minimal accumulation of consequences from half a lifetime of decisions, and your hormones are raging such that much else fades into insignificance. Hard to tell what form you're going to take. You're blessedly too unaware to understand what life has in store for you over the next 30 years. And, you don't know a darned thing at 20 about relationships. What is the saying...ignorance is bliss?

But, it's hard at 50 for the same reason I've decided mid-life crises are so common. It's that 30 year accumulation of consequences from decisions that seemed reasonable at the time but have added up to land you in an unexpected/oopsie place. It's the lifetime of experiences that cause you to have closed places in your heart, neuroses, nervous habits, or things you absolutely will not put up with.

At 20, you're still a soft piece of clay. At 50, it's pretty obvious what the clay is going to be. And the picture can be pretty scary.

Well, that's probably too harsh. It's only scary because the other person can clearly see what you are. And they are pretty well formed too...instead of two soft little blobs of clay easily formed into one, you have two solid, clearly outlined bricks who knock chunks off of each other if they come together with too much force.

That's why I think it all requires revised thinking about the models of relationships we hold in our heads. If we aren't 22, then it doesn't make sense to be looking for the 2 Blobs model of partnering. Two bricks have to stay distinct from each other, close but clearly their own shape.

Of the 2 couples I know OF, one is married to each other BUT they keep separate houses, and spend the night together maybe 3 times a week. One likes minimal clean lines and a VERY clean space sans animal hair. The other has cats (and all the attendant outcomes associated with them) and clutter everywhere. Despite those differences, they really love each other. So, why aggravate the tar out of each other? Why not refuse to push back against those things and go with the chi?

It might not be every person's cup of tea. The point is they have devised an arrangement that suits their needs. A bit unorthodox but not such a bad deal I don't think. I used to have a boyfriend who traveled 3 or 4 days a week. It was great. We both were engrossed in our own affairs during the week, and then on the weekends we were so glad to see each other and we were ready to enjoy each other's company.

Wow, I think this could be the String Theory of relationships.