Wrinkles and Ram

I was reading a Ram Dass article yesterday called Aging Body, Ageless Soul. The whole thing had some great insights about the changes in our bodies and our lives, and how to think about them positively. I'll be the FIRST in line to say I do not like the changes taking place on my face and elsewhere (need I elaborate, we all know here what I'm talkin' about) without my permission. It's hard to get my head around actually, these changes creeping up on me.

My grandmother at 87 used to occasionally say, "I don't understand. I still feel about 30 inside" when she could no longer do this or that. We all--smug young things we were, how embarrassing to think about now--indulgently patted her arm, kind of rolled our eyes in complicity with each other as if to say, "can you believe it, how could she possible feel that?".

I'm here to tell you Grandmother, I so get what you were trying to say! Accept my deepest apologies for the arrogance of youth.

Anyway, I digress from my original point....

I awoke this morning to my east-facing window to a glorious sunrise in the colors only late fall and cool temperatures seem to create: greeny-turquoise, intense orange-red, and light so intense it doesn't seem to have a color, just golden white brightness. Then as those faded a bit, a kind of smoky heliotrope, soft apricot and soothing sky blue. Same for sunsets, just brilliant, almost-too-bright-to-be-real colors. I LOVE this time of year. Waking to this these mornings makes me feel so grateful to be where I am at this point in time.

Back to the point....one of Ram Dass' points was that taking a regular break from the busy-ness of our lives to appreciate timeless things like sunsets, the beauty of a flower, a piece of art, the tenderness evoked by the sight of a young child's wonder is what puts us in touch with the eternal core of ourselves. The part that has been and always will be the same.

I know that is so true. Several years ago, during an especially stressful time of my life, I found I could always comfort myself with the idea that Mozart would still be sublime, the sunset still as glorious, the stars as mysterious, the moon as luminous no matter what happened to me. External circumstances can change for good or for bad, but some things are eternal. It really is so true.

I shall endeavor to cultivate this approach to my visible signs of aging. Would somebody please remind me of this next time I get exasperated at that elusive chin whisker I can't seem to SEE to remove?? Thank you.

Creating the space

The countdown is on. 5 days left of being able to say I'm a 40-something (and that is reeeallly streeettttching). Then I turn the corner. I'm not feeling so bad about it really. I'm very happy with the past year. As I hoped, focusing on making it a year that counts feels very satisfying. It occurred to me the other day that I needed to think about the upcoming year in the same way....it feels so much better than drifting year to year which I'm sorry to say has often been my modus operandi in years past.

As I mentioned, in Utah, I began pondering what would make it a momentous year. It actually took quite a bit of sitting with the feeling of being 'lost' to get in touch with what I wanted. Lots of journaling. But, the first thing out of the gate of 2007 was a that a friend and I bought a place out in Marfa.

To check out interesting happenings in Marfa, click the logo for Marfa..org. It will put you in touch will all things Marfa.

Granted, that was a pretty crazy thing, but it is such a funky little place, such a weird combination of sophistication, kitsch, traditional hispanic culture, and Austinesque weirdness that I fell in love.

I'd been out there a number of times and its charm plus the vast beauty of West Texas convinced me it was the thing to do. Although it's a long-term rental at the moment, our plan is to eventually restore a couple of the old outbuildings into casitas and rent them, along with the house.

March or April is when I began seriously considering renting out my house here in Austin, putting as much stuff in storage as possible, and leaving my little neighborhood. My life felt flat, routine and uninteresting. I wanted to open my horizons. But you have to let go of something to make room for the new.

So, I let go.

The universe cooperated in way that was almost scary. I am spending a year in another part of town, in a lovely home I'm sharing with the charming owner (a friend of my sister's) who has become a fast friend. The house, is open, expansive, minimally cluttered and the view out the back shouts 'possibility!'. The views are so big that I feel open to anything! ExACTly what I needed!

I have met fascinating new people, reconnected with many friends, and I'm engaged in an absorbing professional endeavor (more on that later). And, although I miss my little neighborhood in some ways, it s amazingly freeing to be without most of my belongings.

That's the learning, letting go opens up possibilities. Scary, yes. But, I 've learned alot in this little experiment about how we can create something different for ourselves. It's a wrench breaking loose initially, but the universe does move to fill in the space we leave by doing it.

The conclusion to come......

Not a very chirpy post

I went to the funeral for a dear friend's mother yesterday. It's the third funeral for a friend's Mom I've been to this year. Another friend recently sent me a lovely essay by Suzanne LaFetra whose subject was on the surface about Dia de los Muertos but really was about how life is a continual letting go. Of relationships, jobs, loved ones, kids, our own selves as we change and grow.

Somehow though, the meaning of letting go deepens when you're this age. I haven't been to a single funeral I don't believe of a friend's parent before. Now, 3 in 10 months. It represents a new level of letting go. We begin losing parents which, although we dread it, we do expect. Once parents get into their 70s and begin slowing down, a tiny, growing heaviness slowly begins settling on your heart as you watch them, talk to them, spend time with them. Mortality, for them and for us, moves an inch closer.

Although I haven't yet been to a funeral for a friend, I'm beginning to see the inevitability of it appearing on the horizon. Ugh, letting go. I wonder if it gets easier to accept as it happens more often? Probably not although perhaps it gets easier to accept your own mortality. As you lose people precious to you, at some point, you must just begin dreading being without so many people who used to be close to you. Maybe you become resigned, even ready, to follow.

Not a very chirpy post today. But, life is very definitely NOT always chirpy. Without the poignancy of loss, would we feel the sharp joy of love? A moving quote I came across says, "Grief is the price we pay for love." I think the two must go hand in hand. It's not possible to have the one without the other.

Here we are, back at letting go.

A year of living momentously Part II

Sooo...I had thought a few times this past year, that a fitting end to my 50th year would be to play bass in a band. Except the thought scared me to death and I couldn't see how it could happen anyway so it was easy to forget about.

But, at my last lesson, my teacher mentioned the student recital they were having the day after my 50th birthday. Well, CLEARLY the universe was telling me I had to do it. I hate it when it does that :) So I will be playing Queen's Crazy Little Thing about 3 weeks from now with a bunch of 13 year old boys no doubt. Waaaugh!

I got to go see some amazing blues musicians the other night, our local Ruthie Foster and Taj Mahal, who from my standpoint is a towering Blues musician. What would it be like to have played music so long that it's just in your DNA, it just flows out of you like the rest of us breathe? Ruthie had a cousin, Tonya Richards, playing bass for her, what a musical family. And Taj's bass player was amazing. Some good inspiration to go home and practice :)

OK, a student recital isn't a real band. But, it is a taste of making music with other people which I've always thought must be fun fun fun. And, it IS standing up in front of a bunch of people playing a somewhat prominent part on an instrument that is still a bit of a mystery to me. Memories of those piano recitals, yikes! And then there is the fact that we only get to rehearse once or twice beforehand. No worries, right? Yeah, right!

WAIWFA? That's my new mantra. It stands for What Am I Waiting For Anyway? Referring to the fact time isn't infinite, life isn't a dress rehearsal, life is too short. Now, really I have no aspirations be a rock star (good thing hunh?) or do more than have fun with it. But, I don't want to be stuck in old beliefs about what a 50 year old woman should and should not be doing.

When I started my lessons, I was so impressed that at one of my lessons a 72 year old woman was sitting in the lobby waiting for her guitar lesson. She had just started too. Now, THAT is impressive, I love that!

I just feel fortunate and so grateful that I have these choices.

I guess I should start giving some thought to my debut outfit. Hmmm, spiky hair? Leather wristband like Bass Girl in the pic? Animal print? :)

A year of living momentously Part I

Well, after much hand wringing, inner angst, outward bellyaching (I am soooo grateful for my friends who patiently listened and supported), and big changes, the Day approacheth! Last year, about now, I realized that not only was my 50th birthday coming toward me at what felt like the speed of light, but that when my 49th birthday arrived in a few weeks, it would be the beginning of my 50th year.

Holy Pazzoli! (not sure who or what that is, sounds like either some kind of Italian dessert or a Cardinal of the Catholic Church, anyway...), I thought, wha' happened??! The realization startled me, to say the least.

As I pondered it, the idea of my 50th year seemed much more significant to me than the actual 50th birthday. I still have plenty of years left to accomplish some meaningful things, but I suddenly realized the years are not infinite. No more just 'passing time'.....go for the gusto.....carpe diem....what am I waitin' for any freakin' way??

I suddenly, passionately, wanted my 50th year to be memorable. The life unusual, fearless, momentous, focus....just a few ideas that popped into my mind. I wanted my life to be full of interesting people, I wanted to look back on the things I attempted and did in the knowledge I fully stretched myself, that I didn't let others' or my own outgrown ideas of what I 'should' be doing at this age keep me from doing anything. I wanted to be adventurous, bold, and create something satisfying and fulfilling for myself.

My year of living momentously kind of kicked off with the Big Adventure to Utah in a way. Gave me time to be thinking all this through. But shortly thereafter, I took my first step.....


I had been thinking about taking bass guitar for a while. Why? Don't know except it sounded fun and I always catch myself listening to bass lines in music. What am I waitin' for?? So, next time I took my clothes to the dry cleaner, I stopped in at Austin Guitar School next door and scheduled a bass lesson. No doubt the 13 year old boys in the lobby thought they were hallucinating but I had a blast with it. So, a year later.....weeeellllll, I think I'll save that for Part II along with my other momentous happenings..... :)